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I started not to post today. This 31 Days of Showing Up is turning out to be more difficult than I expected in that my writing is more vulnerable than I’d anticipated. And, somehow, vulnerability is a bit like childbirth — I always forget the pain it causes until I’m in the throes of it. Because the hurt has been pretty intense the last few days, I thought I might just skip today. But my cheerleading friend encouraged me to finish what I started — to write for myself and for those who need to read my bleeding heart. Therefore, I give you day 7 and all the words I wanted to withhold:
I kept the number for six months before I ever dialed it. I finally steeled my nerves and called. By the time I pressed “End,” I’d been strong too long, and the tears came. It was the third time I’d taken that first step.
I’m meeting with a highly-recommended therapist on Friday for our first session. It’s been a little over a year since the last time I went to counseling.
I wasn’t sure how to delicately phrase my question during our brief phone conversation, so I put it bluntly: “I don’t want to be prayed over during my counseling sessions.” She seemed somewhat surprised I’d experienced that, and assured me in all her years as a therapist, she’d never prayed with a client during a session.
In a sentence, I told her about the last two — how they are Christian counselors — and that I need something different this time. I need practical help, not a list of Bible verses to meditate on or prayers to pray or group Bible studies to attend or prophecy from a traveling, um, well, prophet.
If the wounds could’ve been prayed away, given away to Jesus, studied away, prophesied away, or forgiven away, they would’ve been healed by now because I’ve tried them all, repeatedly.
I need to know how to get off the crazy train. I need real-world, non-Christianese steps to freedom. I’m no longer willing to travel the highly-populated path of numbing, patching the wounds with a Sunday-School band-aid, and pretending to be okay. I’m heading in for help before the train wrecks.
Rebekah, having made a call like that nearly two years ago, I can tell you that getting real, non-biased help is the best thing I’ve ever done. I worked through a lot of crap, and learned so many things about myself, my true self, not the person who conformed to someone else’s ideas and beliefs about who I should be and how I should behave. Those sessions helped me dump some toxic relationships and thinking, taught me how to deal with certain situations, to reframe my thinking and let go of things that I have no control over. I left every single session in tears, but I think that’s what I needed – to pour it all out on the table and let someone with no agenda, no history help me sort out the garbage. I don’t go anymore, I graduated myself when I realized that I could sort the garbage on my own. Am I ok? Yes. Do I have my shit together? Nope, not even. I still have days where it seems like even breathing takes a massive emotional toll, but I’m in a place where I can be at peace and move on knowing I’ve done my best and that’s damn good enough. I hope you find that peace and healing.
Kerrie, thanks for the encouragement. I hope the third time is a charm — I definitely need to be able to “reframe my thinking.”
If I were choosing a counselor, I would absolutely seek out someone who isn’t going to cloud our conversations with Christianese. Love your honesty.
Thanks, Liz. Can’t believe it’s taken me this long to look for a counselor who doesn’t practice with a Christian agenda.
There was a point in my christian walk where I felt that all the rules and ism’s and christian-ese was serving as a mask for me, I was hiding behind ‘saying the right things’ and ‘acting the right way’, and I was dying inside because of it. I still struggle with the vocabulary I use because some of it makes me choke for all the ways it’s been overused and shoved down my throat, other words feel so foreign and contrived – they don’t fit right either… but for now I’m ok with that. I feel that God meets all of us where we are – even those of other belief’s or no belief at all… we are his children – i really struggle to believe that he would ever leave us behind. There’s a whole pandora’s box there, where I’m concerned, when it comes to my beliefs – but it was outside of the typical christian vocabulary that I finally found a closer relationship with God and at last felt my instincts and intuition lighting up with recognition that I was headed in the right direction in my beliefs. Don’t give up – this journey is a long one and I don’t know that it ever gets easier – but your efforts will pay off, and peace will come. So glad you’re seeking help for the road – we all need this.
Shawna, sounds like we’ve journeyed some similar paths. I’m so ready to feel that I’m headed in the right direction based on my needs.
words fail, but I am so sorry and hope you find some healing. It must be so hard to even try to communicate. So bound up in so much. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable.
Yes, yes…I feel as though I can’t articulate what all I’m experiencing, no matter how much I write about it.
Oh how I relate to this! I just found your blog through the 31 Days group and when I saw the title of this, it immediately spoke to me. I have a wonderful therapist that I’ve seen for the last 5 years with varying regularity and while he is a Christian and we’ve talked about God more than once, it’s not something he focuses on. He doesn’t pray over me, but he has prayed with me at my request and prayed for me when I’ve asked. I’ve never had a “Christian counselor” but I think that’s probably because I’ve had plenty of church people who have tried to “counsel” me in various ways and pray my depression away or bind up all kinds of spirits of this or that or the other which they believed were somehow responsible for my clinical depression. It’s so, so hard to make that phone call and reach out for an appointment. I don’t know if you’ve read any of my 31 Days (I post as Therese Moma on the FB group), but I’m actually writing about my journey through depression as my topic for this challenge. I will definitely keep you in my prayers as you make your own journey. (((((hugs))))) And if you need a friend, please feel free to email me. Hang in there!
Oh, thanks so much for sharing with me! I’ll definitely hop over to read your posts. Yes, that phone call was hard to make, but my first session went very well. I can already tell she’s going to guide me through with practical help. I’m definitely learning the value of a good therapist.