I Don’t Like What I Feel

I’m not sure I’ve ever published a post quite like this one. I’ve written plenty about past experiences and even present troubles. But this one is extremely raw. As with every post I publish, I do so because I wonder if someone else is going through similar experiences and is too afraid to say so. This is me saying so…and hoping maybe someone who reads it feels a little less alone.

On Saturday, I wrote about needing to feel emotions. I admitted being angry, but wrote about how difficult it is for me to actually feel the anger.

After reading the post, a friend emailed me and said, Could it be that you are feeling many things but just don’t like what you’re feeling?

As soon as I read the question, I knew the answer.

It took me a solid 24 hours to reply: You are probably right.

Forget the probably. I should’ve replied, Absolutely!

I don’t like feeling anger, sadness, fear, grief or any other emotion I believe to be negative. My guess is that nobody likes feeling them, but some are better than others at processing those emotions.

I learned a long time ago to stuff away “negative” emotions and to find ways to distract myself. Some of my distractions include going shopping, watching a movie, listening to music, going for a run, writing, eating. Those distractions often help me forget about whatever emotion I’m feeling.

But Saturday spilled into Sunday, and I still needed to physically feel the anger. I wanted to scream, but I figured my family and my neighbors wouldn’t appreciate me doing so.

I started having thoughts I’ve never before had, and hope to never again have. I’ve never understood why someone would cut themselves, but in that moment, I knew. I began digging my fingernails into my arms. I dug so deeply in one spot that it left a mark. Part of me thought I was going crazy while the other part felt relief. It was one of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had.

Since then, I’ve communicated with three friends, all having histories in social work settings. {Funny how unaware we are of God placing just the right people in our lives.} All of those friends told me that emotions are not good or bad…that I should just let myself feel what I need to feel. There was this from the friend who emailed me the question: No feelings are right or wrong. Feelings are what they are. Still, I can’t wrap my brain around that truth.

I still don’t know what to do with the emotions I feel. I certainly don’t want to hurt myself. And I’m not quite sure how to make the transition from believing feelings are good or bad to realizing that they just…are.