My voice teacher called them toxins–this residue of my core beliefs. He suggested that I’m in a sort of detox state during this three-month hiatus from Bible studies and Christian books. I hadn’t fully considered the idea…allowing God to rid me of the toxins.
What’s ironic is that he doesn’t know I’ve called myself toxic for years. Toxic to myself, and to everyone I know. It’s God’s way of getting my attention, I guess–assuring me that He’s at work in what I consider to be the pit of myself.
I spent some time yesterday reading through some of my blog entries over the past couple of years. They seemed a bit naive, and fit perfectly into the religious box I’ve lived in.
Life is a journey, and over the past year and a half, my rose-colored glasses have slowly been removed along the path. I now stand at a crossroads admitting that my poorly-built religious box is nearly destroyed.
A friend asked me last night if I had been craving Bible studies or books over the past week. I was a little surprised by my answer: No. In fact, I’m a little repulsed by them. At the same time, I feel like I’m grasping for something to hang on to.
I admit I had no idea what I was asking for a year and a half ago when I asked God to give me a deeper understanding of grace. I had no idea He would eventually reach into my core and remove almost every belief I’ve ever held. I had no idea He would bring me to a point where I would be disgusted by every filter through which I knew Him. I had no idea that it would come down to Him and me….toxic me.
Only, this–He can’t be tainted by what I consider to be toxic about myself. In fact, all He sees is beauty. Maybe that’s why it has to be just Him and me…so I can learn to see through His eyes of grace…so He can show me that He is much more than I’ve naively believed Him to be.
Powerful post, Rebekah! This journey of grace is messy but so, so beautiful! Keep up the courageous journey!
Thanks, Traylor! I’m not so sure I’d call it courageous…more like desperate. 😉 But absolutely messy.
btw…I have a package to send you and Melody. I’ll get it in the mail tomorrow. Be looking for it.
Rebekah,
I’m extremely moved by this post (and an earlier one of yours I just discovered on the same topic), and I am encouraged by *your* courage! Lately, I have been wondering if God wants me to do what you are doing–stop reading Christian books and simply read the Bible and interact with God in my journal about what I read. In other words, this communication would be just God and I, with no intermediary opinions,props, and advice. Christian books and Bible studies are wonderful, and I have learned much from them. And I’m a Christian author, so I’d be shooting myself in the foot if I told people not to read Christian books :-), but I realize I’m also a perfectionist, who keeps reading the next book and the next hoping to achieve Christian perfection and not really letting God do the deep soull work in me that He desires to do. Maybe I have been subliminally allowing these books to erect barriers between Him and me because it is easier to read about what I should do than simply to do it. I admire what you are doing and don’t know if I can do it. I believe it was not by accident that I read your posts. Again, thank you so much for both your courage and encouragement. What a wonderful example you set!
Lynn Morrissey
Lynn, welcome and thank you for reading! Really, this was a move of desperation more than courage. The filters, however good they may be, have kept me in a state of constantly focusing on doing “the right thing” instead of allowing Holy Spirit to guide me. I honestly just need to learn to rest in God. It’s a foreign concept to me.
Thank you for your encouragement! I’ll be sure to check out your books…when I start reading again.
I think that you and I are saying essentially the same thing. I labled it perfectionism (a problem I only really recently realized and confessed), and you are calling it “doing the right thing.” In both cases (if I may speak, and correct me if I’m wrong), perhaps we have allowed these books and authors’ advice (applies to Bible studies too), to have first priority in telling us how to live, rather than just coming to the Savior/Holy Spirit. There is nothing wrong with Christian books (even secular) if the advice is approriate. But I have allowed it to interfere by constantly thinking I have to read every book to get just the right advice. I”m likely not expressing myself very well. At any rate, last night the words of Mt. 11:28, powerfully came to me…….and I am wondering if Christ is saying, :Just come to Me…….Me, alone, for a time, and I will give you rest for your soul…..I’ll show you what to do. All this reading is burdening you now. Just rest. Let me give you rest.” I’m not saying that Jesus spoke these exact words to me (because I don’t often hear His words in my head)…….but it was more this impression. Your words earlier underscored this idea. I’m so grateful for your openness in sharing what some could consider controversial. And yes, when you are back to book-reading, I hope you will read the one I wrote on prayer-journaling, because, being a writer yourself, this might be a wonderful way for you to approach the Lord to let Him impress upon you His thoughts for your journey, and to allow you to express yourself freely to Him. No time to proof this, so I hope it makes snes. I surely wish you joy in your journey with Christ, Rebekah, w/ a K, which I really like…..oh, and I love the silent H, too. My daughter is named Sheridan, but for a while, I toyed with Laurah. I thought it looked classy! =]
Blessings and love,
Lynn
Lynn, Oh yes, I agree! I definitely think I’ve allowed these authors, ministers (basically, anyone I held in high esteeem) to direct the way I live. I’m exhausted from it all. My counselor described it this way: God is leading me into the wilderness to develop intimacy between us.
Interesting that you mention journaling because one of the decisions I made at the beginning of the year was to keep a journal of my conversations with God, and of times when He specifically spoke to me. I’ll be sure to read your book later this spring.
My parents went for the Biblical spelling of my name. See, I can’t escape! 😉 My oldest daughter’s first name is Laura (no “h”).
Thank you for your comments and encouragement!
Rebekah
Rebekah,
Your word “exhausted” says it all…..not perhaps a physical enervation, but spiritual deprivation, which results in soul fatigue. Oh, I’m so close to chucking my books and just reading His Word, writing in my journal, and perhaps reading through some old journals. Actually, I was perusing one last night and this morning, and am amazed that I am still in the same soul-cycles. One thing about journaling is that it is difficult to lie to yourself in print! Oh, I got shivers when I read that the Lord is leading you into the wilderness. God did that for me on several occasions, and each time, I found treasures in darkness. The wilnderness should not be a scary thing. It is totally sacred, and you will emerge with such strength, such renewal, such depth, such intimacy with the Lord. I am really excited for you. Oh, yes, please continue to keep a journal. And I love to think of prayer as a conversation with God. The name of my book is Love Letters to God: Deeper Intimacy through Written Prayer. I think of my prayers as dialogues between God in me. I don’t write word-for-word what I sense He is saying (I know some people do), but rather, I sense He is guiding what I write (certainly not inspired and inerrant), but I am invoking God’s power and presence, so it only makes sense tome that He is guiding my prayers. Please note my personal email address: words@brick.net. Come spring, I would love to send you a signed copy of my book if that would be ok. You would just need to email me to remind me. In the meantime, I wanted to direct you to a friend’s blog, Floyd Samons, where he wrote about our cybyerspace meeting and about my book. You can read the dialogue we are all having over there: http://theregoi.com/finding-floyd/a-box-of-chocolates/
I can’t recall now how I found you. ARe you possibly a friend of Shelly Miller’s? I LOVE her writing. I notice, too, that you are a recording artist. I listened to snippets of your singing, and it’s lovely. And wow! You are a songwriter. I do not have that talent. It amazes me how people can develop whole songs from basically 8 notes! =] I am a singer. I’m in a professional Bach group, and I cant’ tell you how much I love performing with them…..b/c we’re mostly Christians, and the conductor brings out the spiritual majesty of Bach’s music. He was a wonderful Christian in his day, and his music glorifies the Lord with every note, ever melisma! Loved talking to you, Rebekah (with an H!) and let me know if you want the book and if so, you can write when you;’re ready for it. And I love your daughte’rs name, obviously!
Fondly,
Lynn
Lynn,
I think I’d call my journal entries more of a type of record keeping. I’m just so prone to forget what God speaks and how He works, so I started writing them down. Years ago, pre-kids, I used to write my prayers. I’ve attempted to do it off and on through the years, but it’s just a practice I couldn’t get into the habit of doing again.
I’m definitely interested in reading your book. Thank you so much for the offer of a signed copy! I will absolutely take you up on that.
Oh my, this wilderness thing…I’m beginning to see glimpses of how it’s more intimate than scary. And so very precious that I can’t even share some of it yet.
Ah, yes, I think you did find me through Shelly Miller’s blog. I left a comment on one of her posts, and the next morning, you had commented here. I love the blog-world!
A Bach group! Wow! I would guess that I’d love it as I enjoy all styles of music.
I’d love to send you a cd. It’s a 5-song EP that shares my story of grace and redemption. If you’re interested, you can email your address to me at gilbert.rebekah@gmail.com.
I’m so thankful for the communication with you. One day, I’ll have to share just how significant it’s been in my life!
Rebekah
Thank you so much, Rebekah. I’ll just go ahead and email you soon! Thank you for your lovely communications, and thank the Lord for Shelly. She is a precious, generous lady (was so surprised that she had me as her first guest-blogger. Just such a sweet surprise!) Anyway, I could go on and on about her kindness and beautiful writing. But one of the sweetest things for me, has been meeting beautiful (and talented!) Christians like you….more later by email. I’m in the midst of making quiche and then out for a walk on this gorgeous, if brisk and chilly day!
Fondly,
Lynn
Toxic us… God does reveal wisdom to us and in us as we seek Him. It’s not pretty… but His grace, which falls under the category of true love, also reveals the true beauty of His creation. It’s about His love and sovereignty over all that belongs to Him.
This should be a revelation to all of us. Thanks to Lynn for spreading inviting me over for a read.
Welcome, Floyd! Wow, that’s a lot to think about in that comment. Grace=love=beauty. His sovereignty is teaching me that what I’ve always been taught and believed to be true fits inside a neat, little box…and He’s blowing the box to pieces. I’m learning that He has no limits.
Thanks, Lynn, for sharing!