I know some of you are expecting a full report on my church experience from yesterday. However, it’s much too raw at this point, so this is just a short recap.
We went to a church which we’ve never attended, but have heard many great things about.
I was apprehensive all morning, and as soon as the worship team stepped on the stage, I crumbled into a weepy mess. I didn’t know any of the songs, which was probably best as that would’ve induced more tears.
I really appreciated the message as it was not a typical Easter sermon, yet it was still very much about new life in Christ. Included in the message was a video story of a father reconciled to his sons, which brought on a whole new level of weepiness.
By the time the service was over, I had little makeup left on my face. {Lesson learned: always carry makeup in purse when going to church.}
The stress of the morning combined with all the emotions I experienced in the service made for a complete melt-down later in the day. What a way to celebrate Easter…sheesh!
Overall, I realized I’m just not ready to go back to church. In fact, I’d say yesterday was a pretty significant setback for me. And the setback has much less to do with that church or that service, and much more to do with all the negative experiences I’ve had with church.
It seems it should be easy for me to just let go and move on, but my entire life and family has been intertwined with church in a way that many of you may not understand unless you grew up the child of a pastor.
While I think I may listen online to some of the messages from the pastor of the church we attended yesterday, I doubt I’ll be attending church again anytime soon.
One final note: So many of you sent me messages and texts and emails yesterday to let me know you were praying for me. Those notes and prayers mean more to me than I can ever adequately express. Once again, thank you so very much.
I didn’t/couldn’t go. It has been several years. Give yourself time. They are deep wounds to heal.
I definitely need more time. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, as well as your encouragement.
I didn’t go at all. I just watched the sunrise from my back porch. I’m sorry you had a less than stellar experience, but at least you know now how much further you have to go. I’m praying you have an awesome and blessed week my friend.
The first thing I did yesterday morning was sit on my deck and watch the sun come up over the trees. I wondered if the earth had a different feel to it on resurrection morning…
Yes, I realized I’ve got a long way to go. :/
Hope you have a great week too!
You know, tears are healing and also a place of ‘entry’ for the Holy Spirit to heal and minister to the wounded parts of us who have hurt and waited and hurt more. Just saying, it is not a negative thing to weep deeply at church. If Jesus can weep, we can too.
They didn’t feel much like healing tears. I wonder if they were. I just know I’m nowhere near ready to go through all those emotions again anytime soon.
you are in my heart . . .
Ellen
And you’re in mine.
So sorry about your negative experiences Rebekah. I’m proud of you for bravely choosing to try to go back on Easter and for the healthy processing of realizing you just aren’t ready yet. I think that actually shows healing is taking place. Lots of love to you!
Thank you for your encouragement, Shelly! It doesn’t feel very much like healing. :/
Thanks, Rebekah, for your courage–courage, not only to wade into the deceptively-clear-but-murky-waters of church, but to think “out loud” about your journey. I sense in you a connection to Mary Magdala, tearfully lingering at the tomb of Jesus searching, pleading. She encountered this Jesus, not amongst the disciples, but in the graveyard of her own hurts and hopes–and he called her name. It was she who became the first evangelist, the first to really experience life through resurrection and share it with the disciples…and they dismissed her. Thanks for whispering the name of Jesus in your posts; I am paying attention. Shalom, my sister.