It was at least six or eight weeks ago that I knelt by my bed, crying out to God, begging Him to break the cycles.
My sister warned me it would be hell. She told me that as soon as I prayed those words, God set the work into motion. She told me I’d feel like I was dying…like I couldn’t take anymore.
She was right.
I’ve cried more tears in the last two weeks than I thought humanly possible. The waking hours of the night are becoming more frequent and more restless.
The only way I can describe how I feel is this…God has ripped open my core, and my blood and guts are spilled everywhere. I’m walking around, trying to maintain my normal routine while undergoing surgery. The pain is intense.
But…
God is steadily supplying little doses of anesthesia (daily mercy and grace): friends who are determined to remain even when I try to push them away; a message that hints at supplying some long, unanswered questions; kind, compassionate emails from someone I’ve never met; wise counsel from the man I thought was only supposed to give me voice lessons; a counselor who gently pushes me to face deep wounds; and a patient husband. I’m oversimplifying how powerfully God is using each one of these people in my life…to show me His love and faithfulness.
I’m a big picture kind of girl, and I admit that my frustration level is pretty high right now because all I can see is bits and pieces. My friend told me that he can see how God is working in my life, and it’s exciting. He suggested that I can’t see the big picture since I’m in the midst of it all. I guess that’s true. But being the impatient person that I am, I’m ready for all the puzzle pieces to fit together.
I share all this for a reason…
I’ve become more and more apprehensive about writing through this journey. I realize how depressing my posts have been lately, and I’ve not offered much hope because…well…I just haven’t felt much hope. But if one person experiencing the same kind of pain reads through this journey {now or later} and realizes they’re not alone, my goal in sharing will have been accomplished.
That’s about why I stopped writing last year, but keep going – it may be for you too!
Thank you, Jamie. Some days, it’s more difficult to keep going than others. Today is one of those.
I am in hell right now myself. Please keep writing. I do read. You and I have much more in common than I ever knew. Ys I am in a storm and the rain is pouring, but your posts are part of my healing. Love you bunches!
Ginny, I’m sorry you’re going through something similar. I hope God is revealing Himself to you too. If not for those daily graces, I don’t know how I’d get through this. I don’t know how people without any Hope do. Thank you for the encouragement. I’m praying that His grace and mercy will overflow in your life.
Wow, Rebekah! I had not read this. I have been praying for God to break patterns in my life. I wonder if cycles a nd patterns are the same thing?!
L.