The Past Three Days

 

It’s 2:30 a.m., and I’ve spent the last two hours tossing and turning in my bed, trying to define the past three days.

Sunday night I wrote this post about God and punishment. Monday morning I struggled through editing, and almost didn’t publish. I was having a difficult time believing the words I’d written. I re-read the post several times throughout the day, and doubted God’s goodness each time.

I awakened Tuesday morning with my head full of excuses as to why I should abandon every dream and desire God has placed within me:

  • I can’t write and keep my house as clean as I want it.
  • I don’t spend as much time with my kids as I’d like.
  • The financial cost is too great.

By mid-morning, I was determined to quit writing and singing. Tuesday morning’s excuses gave way to Wednesday’s questioning and wrestling. Why did God give me a passion to write about Him in a way that people sometimes find controversial? Why couldn’t He have given me a passion to write about fashion or food? Have I made music and writing my idols? I’m quite certain I drove my husband to the brink of crazy with my excuses and questions.

Wednesday night, just before going to bed, I laid it all down…the music, the writing, the dreams. I told God to do whatever He wanted to with them…as in, I don’t want them anymore; they’re yours. It was then that the first wave of peace washed over me. But it wasn’t over yet.

Thursday morning, I spent some time on the phone with a couple of people I trust. I needed to come to the conclusion {and verbalize it} that the big picture surrounding my dreams, desires and passions is grace. I needed to realize the thread that has to run through everything I do is grace. I needed to understand that God’s big picture is different than what I anticipated.

I’m to embrace and expose scandalous grace that encompasses shades of gray; that works in ways that ridicule Sunday School answers; that won’t fit in a neat, little box; that defies logic and reasoning; that crushes the weight of religion; that looks you in the eye and whispers You are forgiven before you even repent.

I’ve spent nearly two years experiencing this grace. I asked God for it, wanting the freedom I knew would come with it. But in many ways, it’s been a difficult and trying time. This grace divides Christians. There have been times when, like Moses, I asked God, Does this look like rescue to you?

I spent the past three days on holy ground…only I was slow to take off my shoes. I gave my excuses and asked my questions. And God gave answers.

I walk away from those three days trembling. I know the task, and God has assured me of His presence…still I fear I’ll get in the way. There’s no bravery here; just the realization that I can’t ignore or run from who He made me to be and what He’s given me to do. Still, even as I click the Publish button today, my fear outweighs my faith…

 

 

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Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing this. I’ve thought about you much of the week.

    I’ve had a similar feeling – like I don’t know what I am doing, why I am doing it, and I just want to stop and be done with it. To hear you say you gave up and God met you is wonderful. As I’ve struggled, I’ve seen Him move and heard Him speak, and yet, I still struggle.

    • I gave up to the point that I was actually relieved! And then I dreaded even writing and publishing this post. But it’s been good. Just today, God has shown me the miracles He works when I face the fear. I don’t know…maybe we’ll always struggle. But on those days when we struggle and win, it’s worth it!