I looked in the mirror, and the realization hit me again as it seems to do so often these days. Forty looms closer and closer…a mere two and half years away.
Up until the past year, I’ve felt like little more than a teenager…maybe even little more than a small child. Really, I think I’ve been stuck at seven years old.
I’ve cruised through life emotionally numb in survival mode. I survived, but never learned how to thrive, or how to make choices based solely on what I wanted or believed to be best for me. As an adult, this has resulted in simply surviving day-to-day activities and functions. Suddenly, I’m a few months away from turning 38, and my life seems like a blur of going through the motions.
The past year has been beautiful and difficult as I’ve had to do some soul searching in order to pursue my God-given dreams and passions. My beliefs and even core values have changed. In the process, I’ve done some growing up. I think I’ve spent the past year trying to cram in thirty years of growing, living, exploring, questioning and feeling.
Now I look in the mirror and feel the weight of the past year. It’s like I’ve aged thirty years in the span of one year…from 7 to 37 in a mere twelve months. Suddenly, forty is threateningly close, and I can’t get enough of life. I’m suddenly terrified of looking back one day and regretting that I didn’t truly live.
I want to make choices based on what’s best for me, and on what God intends for my life. I want to feel a full range of emotions. I want to abandon fear, and live courageously.
The truth is, though, I’m not quite sure how to actively live like that. I see where I am, and I see where I want to be. I just don’t know how to get from here to there.
My counselor has said numerous times to let Jesus heal the wounds. I really, really want Him to and have asked Him to, but I’m still waiting. I’ve read books and blogs that say to live in the truth of myself. I don’t even know what that is. I suppose it’s believing what God says is true about me, but I can repeat those things to myself daily, and I’ll still feel the same feelings I felt at seven years old. If there’s a way to move past the feelings, well…I just don’t know how.
I’d really like to hear from you: Have you ever been in survival mode? If so, how did you move into actively living?
Linking with Emily for Imperfect Prose: redemption
Unfortunately, I’m a little closer to 40 than you are. I too look in the mirror and wonder where the years have gone. I’ve doesn’t most of my life just surviving. Even right now I feel like I struggle just to survive daily. I wonder if I will ever be able to thrive, to live freely, but I have no idea how to get there at this point. Thanks for sharing your heart!
I wonder how many people live like this and just don’t talk about it. I wonder how many more don’t even recognize it in themselves. If you figure out how to live freely before I do, let me know!! 😉
And if you beat me to it, please fill me in on the secret. Sometimes I feel so smothered and bound down, and long for freedom. I’m searching. I know it’s there. I just need to know how or where to find it.
It would probably be startling to know the number of people who live like this but don’t even realize it.
Oh and btw, I wish you and I could chat soon!
praying that as He heals He will reveal new wings
and you will soar
oh yes, you will soar
into the best years yet!
You have no idea how much that makes my heart skip a beat! The thought of soaring and the idea that the best years may be yet to come gives me a little thrill. Oh, how I hope it’s true.
oh, boy. my soul has aged years, too, in the last 12 months. it comes at the high price of conflict, inward and outward. (for me, anyway.) but i tell you what, i wouldn’t take it back. just starting to see that golden thread emerge from the rubble, smoke still rising.
i love your honest here. your willingness to bare all so you can grow, learn, whatever. may God continue His work in you, friend. and may we learn to trust Him with the process.
thanks for linking this raw beauty at imperfect prose.
Kelli, I left out much of the events of the past year. I can identify with the conflict. I love the image of the “golden thread (emerging) from the rubble, smoke still rising.” However, I don’t see the thread yet, and the fire is still burning. Thank you for stopping by!
This is a freedom song. Filled with hope and possibility and new living in Jesus. Your honest yis blowing over me and I am refreshed in the receiving of your words cast out into the beautiful. Rebekkah thank you for sharing these honest parts of your journey. I am touched by your story. Bless you on your life journey and may you be strengthened and encouraged as you move forward. Visiting from IP on Thursday.
Elizabeth, I LOVE that you called this “a freedom song” because the one thing that God has given me during this season is songs. Literally. I’ve been writing new songs with my writing partner that I’m excited about! Thank you for your encouraging words here. And thanks for stopping by and reading!
Oh Rebekah, I hear your anst. And I *truly* understand it. When I turned forty ( a number of years ago), it was pivotal for me. I was keenly aware of the fleetness of life and of my own shortcomings, and I tried to share that with those dear to me, and no one understood. I felt so alone, and it felt like my life was evaporating …. and I hadn’t had the chance (or took the chance) to seize life and live out God’s purposes for me. The truth is, though, that none of us knows when our days will finally dwindle, and so in some ways, each of us has the same amount of time: twenty-four hours at a time to praise God, be struck by the beauty and majesty of our diaphonous days, and to be about our Father’s business, making the mark He has mapped out for us in order to draw others to Him and to champion His kingdom. But if we are not wide-eyed open to the passage of each twenty-four hours, they breeze by unnoticed, unlived, unaccounted for. While I truly feel your angst and “get it,” as I’ve said, I’m really excited for you! Oh, Rebekah! You are AWAKE! God has gotten your attention, and you have partnered with Him, cooperatively, over the past year to let Him reveal Himself to you and to guide you. He can’t do that if you are deadened or sleepwalking with blinders on. You are alive, and that is the first step to thriving! Just think: If you have lived thirty years in one, then you are on an acceleration course. You haven’t wasted life, you are simply catching up. And if God has jam-packed that much truth and grace and love and living into one short calendar year, what can and will He do with the rest, now that He has your attention and your eyes are open? And goodness! You are *not* even forty yet. The best is yet to come, and with all my heart, I pray that you will no longer lament what was or could have been, but hang on for the ride of your life! I can’t help but think of that song my daughter used to play from Aladdin, which I have imagined at times to be God speaking to us:
“A Whole New World”
I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?
I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride
A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we’re only dreaming
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I’m way up here
It’s crystal clear
That now I’m in a whole new world with you
Now I’m in a whole new world with you
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky
A whole new world
Don’t you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath – it gets better
I’m like a shooting star
I’ve come so far
I can’t go back to where I used to be
A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I’ll chase them anywhere
There’s time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world
That’s where we’ll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me
Lynn again: I can’t wait to learn what you discover!
I’m praying and rooting for you!
Love
Lynn
Lynn, thank you, once again, for encouraging words. As I read your comment {and have re-read it several times since}, the one thing I realize I fail to do is to live in the present…in the 24 hours of one day. I’m quick to think ahead to the future…and well, worry.
I love that you included the song lyrics! What a beautiful perspective.
Thank you Rebekah! It’s so easy not to live in the present. I’m trying, right along with you!
I felt this way until recently when a counselor friend of mine sat down with me and invited the Little Girl Emily to find Jesus, and then let Jesus take her to her Abba father. It was healing prayer, and it was and is the only thing that has ever healed those childhood places… because Abba Father was able to speak directly to that little girl, and give her the recognition she needed in order to move on…
Emily, I’ve done that once with my counselor, and it was very helpful. I think I may need a few more of those sessions. 😉