Alone In Silence…No, Thank You

I’m making up for my three-month reading hiatus. I read a book last week, and I’m well into another one this week. Funny thing…I picked them both at random, both by authors I’ve never read; and while I read the synposes of both books, I couldn’t have imagined how they would be so similar.

A topic addressed in both books is healing wounds. After all the searching I’ve done, the counseling I’ve been through, and the many requests for God to heal my wounds…all to no avail…both books offer the same method for healing: spending dedicated time alone in silence with God.

I do not like silence, and I hate being alone.

As a stay-at-home mom with kids in school, I should be used to silence and being alone. I’m not. I find numerous ways to distract myself: listening to music, writing, running, chatting on the phone, shopping, lunch with friends, yada, yada… And they’re all good things! Music, writing and running are my havens. I love catching up on my friends’ lives. And shopping is my favorite way to pass time. But now I’m asking myself this question: at what expense will I continue to find ways to distract myself from silence and being alone {with God}?

The silence and loneliness dug deep in the pit of my stomach last week. I called my sister and told her I was coming over. She lives alone, and likes it that way. Me? I’d go crazy. Anyway, I went for a visit. I laid on her couch,  and we watched tv. We went out for lunch, and upon returning, I promptly laid right back down on her couch. We chatted a little, but mostly, we were just together.

I wonder if I’ll find the healing I long for if I just spend silent, alone time in the presence of the Healer…maybe just lying on His couch.

I keep thinking back to January when I drove to the park, sat in my car, and stared at the lake in front of me. That’s the day I penned the words to “You Are Loved.” There was a verse that didn’t make it into the song, but it seems quite appropriate these days:

When you’re running and you’re lost

And you cannot pay the cost

When your days are filled with fear

And God seems more far than near

You are loved

He met me in my car that day…in the silence and the loneliness. He gave me reassuring words of His love for me in all circumstances. And I wonder if He was giving me a glimpse of what He will do in my heart if I will just sit silently, alone in His presence.

To be honest, the very thought of sitting alone in silence with no agenda strikes fear in my gut. Being alone {especially in silence} stirs up feelings of abandonment, or at the very least, rejection. What if He doesn’t show up? What if He’s not dependable? What if He lets me down? What if…{gulp}…He rejects me? My heart can’t handle it. My head assures me that won’t be the case {because, after all, He’s God}, but my heart’s experiences with abandonment and rejection scream warnings.

I keep thinking of these verses:

My soul waits in silence for God only; from Him is my salvation

and

My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him (Ps. 62:1, 5 NASB).

In the first verse, David the psalmist, was proclaiming what He knew to be true. In the second verse, he was reminding himself of that truth. Was he struggling to reconcile his head knowledge and experiences with his circumstances? I think maybe he had difficult time sitting alone in silence, waiting for God. I can relate.