I Like Surprises…Sometimes

As much as I say I like surprises, it’s not true in every case. I like surprise flowers and gifts, last-minute lunches with friends, and unexpected hugs and kisses from my girls. I even don’t mind surprise guests at my house {when it’s clean}.

Most of the time, I like to know what’s coming next. I like a plan, which really is quite funny since I’m not a planner.

This past weekend, I laid on the beach, staring up at the clouds. I was talking to God, trying to figure out the significance of everything taking place in my life right now, as well as asking Him what’s next. I talked to Him about wounds, dreams, religion, healing, and what I’m supposed to be learning from each. I talked to him about all the scenarios I could imagine of what should be next in my life.

I quieted and just watched the clouds drift. That’s when I heard God unquestionably speak deep within: You don’t have to figure it all out.

I felt such relief to know that it’s okay for now to live in the questions, amid the struggles, unhealed. Still, it’s against my nature, and the relief only comes in waves. It comes when I surrender to my lack of ability to do anything about my circumstances, and to the acceptance of them.

It all comes down to trust: do I believe God has a plan for me, and am I willing to trust Him to fulfill it? And if His plans are different than mine, do I trust that His are better? Knowing that and actively trusting are two different things.

Yet God continues to assure me. Just after writing the above paragraph, I toggled over to  Facebook for a break, and at the top of my feed was a photo quote a friend had posted  of Jeremiah 29:11…“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.”

I no longer see God as a controller who wants to usurp my will to make me into a legalistic, good-girl robot; rather, I understand that He sees the me He had in mind when He created me, and out of His love for me, gently reminds me to trust Him.

My trust still wavers, and I still try to figure out the plan. But I can’t help but wonder if part of the plan involves that very thing: allowing my doubt and my trying so that I will learn that He loves me and is faithful even when I attempt to take matters into my own hands.