Church On Easter: To Go Or Not To Go

 

There are eighteen days until Easter.

I’ve been out of church for a little over seven months. This is my first Easter as an unchurched person. I don’t think I’ve ever missed church on Easter. Ever.

You see my dilemma?

Even unchurched people usually go to church on Christmas and Easter, right? And I did go at Christmas…to the Christmas program, which was mostly music. That was somewhat easy.

But Easter…

Easter is when churches pull out all the stops. Dresses, heels, ties, suits, even the occasional hat…all the best clothes. The extremes of both somber and lively music. The message of death and resurrection {with a dose of pastoral manipulation thrown in to attempt to guilt all the unchurched attenders into coming back the following Sunday}.

I am close to wringing my hands over this situation. If I only had myself to consider, it would be a no-brainer; I just wouldn’t go.

But my husband and three girls will expect to go to church on Easter. After all, we haven’t declared ourselves atheists or agnostics…yet. {Calm down…kidding!}

The very thought of stepping foot in a church gives me all kinds of anxiety…to the point that my breathing becomes ragged and shallow. I seriously don’t think I can handle it. And, God knows if I do, I’ll need to take some kind of tranquilizer to keep me from losing my cool at the first manipulative tactic. {I’m not kidding.}

Seriously. My husband was fully prepared to turn around and yell at the pastor had he made one comment when our family stood to leave after the music portion during the Christmas service. {Yes, that particular pastor has been known to make snarky comments from the pulpit about people coming in late or leaving early.} So you see, neither of us are really in the best frames of mind to be going to church.

I went shopping for Spring clothes for my daughters yesterday, and the stores were slammed with Easter dresses. Instead of thinking happy thoughts about how pretty my girls would be, I was overwhelmed with dread:

Will we go to church? If so, where? {I know where we won’t be going…at least that much is easy.} Will I be able to sing along with the congregation, or will I just stand there and cry? Will I be able to sit through a service, or will I just need to excuse myself and hide in the bathroom? Will I even be able to crack a smile? Will I even care that Easter is ultimately about God making all things new? I seriously don’t think I can go to church and fake it. At. All.

I totally get how negative I am about church. {You don’t need to leave me a comment telling me so…pretty please.} But here’s the thing. Why are we so worried about negativity towards the church anyway? We certainly don’t mind expressing our displeasure about any-and-every-thing else in our culture. But it’s like church is off limits…like if we mention something negative about it, the church’s reputation will be ruined, and no one will want to go. I hardly believe that’s the problem… {I’ve started meddling. I’ll just move on.}

Back to Easter…

I remember going to a sunrise service with my mother around the age of 10 or 11. The air was crisp, and the sun was just beginning to burn brightly. We stood among strangers at the edge of a graveyard, and sang Easter hymns like “Up From the Grave He Arose” and “He Lives.” We went to church later that morning, but that sunrise service was the highlight for me. Creation screamed new life that morning {even if it was at a cemetery}, although it took years for me to understand why that moment seemed so magical. Every year since, I’ve thought about that particular Easter morning.

I guess what I’d really like to do on Easter Sunday is load up my girls in their pjs and go to a field of wildflowers just before dawn to watch the sun come up. I’d like to hear the echoes of angels singing Hallelujah!  and raise my voice in harmony. I’d like to stand there and believe that God is making not only the church new, but me as well.

Realistically, the closest I’ll probably come to that scenario is watching the sun come up over the trees from my back deck while Dolly Parton bellows “He’s Alive” over the radio speakers.

And church? Well, I’ve got 18 days to decide.

 

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Comments

  1. Do what you WANT to do… load up your girls in their pjs and find a field of wildflowers. Watch the sun come up and usher in the new day. Sing your hallelujahs along with the angels. Share with your family how God does make all things new and the real meaning of Easter, which goes way beyond all the pretenses of church and the facade of dresses, suits, ties… the best clothes. When it comes down to it, all the hoopla surrounding Easter (the best clothes, the mundane programs, etc) are overrated… Ultimately, the real meaning of Easter is found in the newness of life springing forth in our hearts. All made possible because of Christ’s resurrection.
    And then, if you do decide to go to church, you can go through the motions of the service with everyone else, having already truly experienced Easter in your heart earlier in the morning.

  2. Wow. Powerful testimony. I have felt similar pains as I’ve mourned the loss of cherished institutions. It’s difficult letting go of things we find our identity. And, it’s not ‘normal’ to find hope in what our ego calls ‘nothing’. Not to worry, ‘normal’ is just a setting on a dryer, lol… Highly overrated.

    • Lol…My counselor used to say, “There’s no such thing as normal.” Oh my gosh, yes, it’s so hard to let go. I swear it’s like I’m being completely emptied…scraped to the core. It’s painful and difficult, and so few people understand. Thanks for your continued encouragement!

  3. Chris McKnight says:

    I totally get where you’re coming from. I haven’t been to church in a long while myself. My reasons and your reasons are pretty much the same. I would go with the field and family. That way you can have a pure experience without any distractions.

  4. Christi Hamlin says:

    Go to the meadow and enjoy the sunrise. I grew up in the same kind of church as you – most likely even the same one at some point (though you probably weren’t old enough to remember. :-) I’m fully recovered now and happy and at peace with where I am.

    • Yep, we were in that one for a while, though I really don’t remember much at all about it. Must not have been there very long. Glad you’ve found peace. I keep hoping I will soon!

  5. Henry Falk says:

    That’s a great idea about going out into a field and watching the sunrise. None of us are morning people but maybe we could watch a sunset and pretend it’s actually coming up instead. :)

    It’s coming up to 11 years for us since we were part of an institutional church. My thinking about what the church really is has evolved over that period of time. Even though we have no interest in ever going back, it can still be very lonely at times. I hope you can find an Easter celebration that resonates with your heart and people who share your vision.