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I recently changed my tag line from “finding beauty in the messiness of grace” to “i had hoped. i used to. blogging about faith and doubt.”
I had hoped grace would win.
I used to believe in dreams.
In reality, I’m writing more about doubt than faith.
I still have an entire box of business cards identifying myself a songwriter with the old tag line. I can’t bring myself to trash them.
The truth is, though, what little beauty I’m finding these days is certainly not found in grace.
I offered what I believed to be grace over and over, only to have it rejected and thrown back in my face, so I gave up and quit offering it. It’s hypocritical to bask in whatever grace I’ve believed myself to receive, then deny it to others. I finally realized I couldn’t muster up any more grace and/or forgiveness in certain situations of my life.
Looking back now at all the grace babble, I wonder if I wasn’t offering grace, but some kind of conditional acceptance — an I’ll-accept-you-as-you-are-if-you’ll-accept-me-as-I-am deal.
True grace is unconditional, and doesn’t give up when it’s rejected. True grace welcomes people just as they are. True grace forgives before an apology is received. True grace gives second and third and hundredth chances.
There were those who mocked me for all the grace talk, who said I wasn’t great at giving the grace I talked so much about. This is me saying, “You were right.”
But you need to know: I was sincere. I genuinely believed grace would win.
I still believe grace will win at the end of the Story. But the victory doesn’t take place in this chapter.
Maybe there will come a time when I can embrace and extend true grace. Maybe the hard work of choosing forgiveness will take root in my heart. Maybe grace will be the final word.
I, too, extended grace repeatedly, believing that someday they would accept it/me and reciprocate. I was expecting and hoping for the impossible. I realize now that someone else’s inability to accept and return grace does not invalidate my offer. I rest in knowing that I lived my faith and I don’t agonize that they could not do the same.
Ellen, I know if anybody can relate, it’s you. “Hoping for the impossible”…yep, me too…because I really believed God was the God of the impossible. :/
Oh, Rebekah, He is. God of the impossible. But I am learning He is also God of the instead. I was in a place He did not want me to be – so I am finding His instead.
I think one of the hardest things about having a public platform, especially in a position of ministry, is feeling pressure to tie up loose ends and make things end with a lesson or a moral. Real life doesn’t unfold that way, though, and to me it speaks of a step toward realism when we dispense with the need to tie everything up with a cute bow. I recognize that as a difference in how I think now and how I once thought before.
Real life is messy. And sometimes grace doesn’t pay. But you’re right. If it’s really grace, it won’t demand payment. No return is required at all. I’d rather show love for its own sake, simply because it’s how I want to live, not because I’ll get rewarded for it.
I’ve tried not to tie up my posts with nice, neat bows. But the pressure is intense…because, really, who wants to always be known as the cynic? You’re right though. That’s not real life. And it’s HARD to show love and grace to people who continually mock you. I’m preaching to the choir, though, right?
Rebekah – I’m so touched by your honesty – it’s not easy to be bold in our truths. I heard it said recently that certainty is the opposite of faith – that there can be no faith where there is certainty. Maybe forgiveness is an illusion, and grace is the act of moving forward in spite of the feelings we hold onto. Somewhere, in my heart, I believe that God knows deeply how imperfect we are and how incapable we are of being so utterly ‘like’ him. Maybe we weren’t meant to be like him, but instead to embrace our smallness, our imperfection, our inept-ness – because that is where we lean into him, that is where we connect with others who struggle along the same path. Though I will say, sometimes grace also looks like saying the hard No to those who take advantage of us, abuse our kindness and forgiveness… I think there is great beauty in your questions, and I believe this is a divinely important part of who we’ve been created to be. Thank you for sharing
Shawna, Thanks for the encouragement. I’ve been saying the hard “No” too often for too long it seems. I selfishly want a few Yeses to come my way.