A Plan From The Pain

I read several blogs on a daily basis. One is Refineus.org by Justin and Trisha Davis. Today’s post is centered around this quote: God’s greatest plans for our lives often times rise from the ashes of our greatest pain.

All I can see…and feel…right now is the pain. It’s heavy…a burden…like the weight of the world on my shoulders. All I can see is what is wrong…what has been wrong for over 30 years. I see it. I feel it. And God keeps taking me deeper into it…I think {I hope} to remove it.

Things that happened in my childhood…things I had no control over… are resurfacing on a daily basis. I can’t forget, no matter how badly I’d like to. Childhood trauma that has been buried deep has surfaced repeatedly over the past year, and my responses to the pain have been unpredictable and overwhelming. Pain is manifesting itself in near-breakdowns at anything that triggers a memory: tears in a store, fear at a shooting range, desperation at the pumpkin patch.

In the midst of having to deal with it all, I’m starting to understand the whys of much of my adult behavior: why I’ve made wrong decisions; why I don’t trust people; why I fear close friendships; why I feel I have very little value or worth; why I seek acceptance from those who will never provide it; why I live in fear.

In starting to understand those whys, I’m beginning to understand that I have choices. I’ve spent most of my life in survival mode…numb and reactive. Understanding that I have the ability and right to make choices to protect and care for myself has been a foreign concept to me. This tipping of my world has recently been leaving me unable to function or cope with normal, daily circumstances. I feel as though I’m in a constant state of processing and undoing thirty-plus years of damage.

In the midst of a myriad of feelings, God keeps reminding me that He is at work. Maybe it’s because I’m so dependent on Him right now, but He seems to be speaking and reavealing Himself to me now more than ever. While He works to remove the root of damage, He comforts, encourages and soothes me…with songs, with words, with friends.

Justin and Trisha’s quote resonated with me today because I’m holding on to hope that God is birthing something new with all the pain I’m experiencing. I’m trusting that He has a plan…because I certainly can’t see it right now.