It’s the Eve of July 4th. My heart is anything but free.
I lie face up in the hammock, gently swinging back and forth, staring through the leaves to the starlit sky. It’s unseasonably cool, so I hug my sweatshirt a little tighter around me. The off-pitch karaoke singers doing an old Lionel Ritchie tune at the campground park compete with another camper’s blaring radio for my ear. I’m not interested in either. A tear creeps into the corner of my eye as I watch for fireworks I hear in the distance. I can’t get my head and heart to agree that music is unnecessary.
Deep down, past the part of me in denial, is a soul that wants to sing.
I’m not sure how to let go of a dream, but that seems to be what the spirit is suggesting. I’m repeatedly reminded that when you let go of one thing, something better comes along. But I find that hard to believe as it’s rarely been the case in my life. And why would the maker ask his creation to give up what he made her to do? I have no answers . . . only questions and a tear that threatens to fall.
I so desperately want to be wrong. I want the stars to spell out the future for me. I want them to form a treble clef with a cross in the center, the shape of my tattoo . . . the shape of what I used to believe was the sign of his promise. Then I would know I could close my eyes in peace and dream of my dream, waking up to freedom on this 4th.
Rebekah, I am so very, very sorry. I hear your pain, and I know it, because I have experienced it–and particularly with regards to singing……and in my case, writing, also. I have a degree in vocal music, and I have been singing since I was around two (or maybe even earlier). I also come from an extremely musical family, so music has been a big part of our celebrations. As a child, I performed in various shows at a community center, where my aunt directed the music programs, in musical leads in high school, and then later in professional performance groups after I got my degree. I also loved soloing in church or singing at the occasional wedding, funeral, or women’s ministry event. And then, God told me to withdraw from the choruses and focus on different ministry. It broke my heart, but I obeyed. The Lord took me in the direction of non-profit management, and later in writing and speaking. Then He told me to give those things up, and especially with the publication of my passion book, it made no sense to me. I give you all this background to say that I know how much this hurts, and how confusing it is to wonder why He would give you these gifts and talents if He didn’t want you to use them. I certainly don’t have all the answers, and I can’t know specifically what God is doing in your life, but for me, I realize He was preventing these gifts from becoming idols, testing me if I would obey, trying to demonstrate that He and my relationship with Him were more important and valuable than using my gifts, and also to teach me dependence on Him and satisfaction in Him even if I never sang, wrote, or spoke again. But I think He was also showing me that though He had removed the public manifestation of those gifts, He was not removing them entirely or in their purest form, where I could use them “unto Him.” There was nothing to prevent me from singing on my own at home in worship or simply for enjoyment. And the same has held true to writing. I write in my journal, write our family Christmas newsletter, write comments on blogs like now :-), and write correspondence. And the amazing thing is that God has given back the gift of singing in a most unexpected way with my having sung in a professional Bach chorus for the past four years, solos at church, and singing duets with our daughter. What a joy it is to sing with Sheridan. It could very well be that He will give you back your public singing after He shows you even greater gifts without it. But what is to stop you from singing ultimately just on your own? It can still bring you joy. I hope I am making even just a little bit of sense…..b/c it is getting really late, and I really need to sleep. My rule is never to write late at night without a chance to think and proofread, etc. But I may not have time tomorrow, and I just wanted you to know how much I care. So…….pls. see this as a gesture of love and not a lecture. I will be praying that God will give you the joy and freedom of singing again, and in the meantime, the freedom of trust and acceptance.
Muchlove,
Lynn
HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!
Lynn, thank you for sharing your story. I guess I have a difficult time trusting and accepting that God gives passions, talents and gifts only to require that they be given up. I can’t comprehend that. I waited 10 years to get to the point where I am, and now, it’s like being back at square one. I just don’t think I can keep going through this.
Rebecca, I had not read this till now. No, I don’t think you are back at square one. You are just perhaps in a different square. Ask God to show you what He wants you to do as an act of personal worship. Try to be willing no matter how hard it is. And leave the results to Him. I don’t think God capriciously gives gifts and then asks us to give them up. Many are using their gifts to serve in the Body of Christ, and yet, we don’t all always use all our gifts all of the time. I am not saying this of you whatever, and again, I can only speak from personal exp. as I did above, but in my case, I think God asked me to stop using certain gifts, because He knew what an idolater I am. Actually, in re-reading my previous post, fully altert btw and not on the verge of sleep! :), I concur w/ all I said. I don’t understand all the reasons that God asked me to stop using those particular gifts, but part of it for me was to protect me from idolaltry and for me to prove to myself whom I would worship and if He were enough. And again, I don’t think He asked me to give up my gifts, but in using them in a public way. Perhaps He is just closing public doors for you at this juncture, but not asking you not to sing–ever. Is the gift singing before others, or singing to worship God? Is the gift music itself? Is God the gift? Is it worth obeying Him even if you can’t understand why, even if it is painful, even if you can’t see the results? I think of Abraham. He was willing to give up Isaac, and basically went so far in attempting to complete the sacrifice, that it was tantamount to making it. God showed him that He loved God above all that was most precious to Him.
Rebecca, while I cannot know all you are personally feeling, I think I can greatly empathize based on the story I told you above. And yes, it took TEN LONG YEARS for my third book, my passion book, to be published, and then God told me not to write publically, very shortly after it was released. I just presumed it was the entree to speaking and to writing more. It seemed logical to me. But one of my mentors, Anne Ortlund, told me to plant that book on the backside of the desert for God alone and she said I had written it *for Him.* That was partially true, because I also thought I had written it for women who would read it. But in the end, I h ave had to trust Him to get it into their hands, while I took *my* hands off it. You are one of those ladies. I know it is no accident that we met.
You are not back at square one, REbecca, because you have come a long way in your journey with God. You can still use your gifts just for Him, and you are *certainly* using your wonderful, refreshingly transparent writing gift for others. Wow! You are such a wonderful author.
All that said, though, I really think God will ask you to sing again. For now, and this is soooooooooo hard, He is asking you to trust–to have naked, raw, it-makes-no-earthly-sense-to-me TRUST. He will not fail you.
Again, I shy away from writing such posts, because no one can truly walk in another’s high heels, and also because I don’t want to appear to be pontificating. But I do so w/ you, because you and I have developed a friendship of trust, and I think you know that I care.
you are in my prayers for God to fulfill all His purposes for you. He will do that. I know He will. Just trust Him with the timing and thte lessons He wants you to learn along the way.
Love
Lynn
I’m sure you’ll receive much advice, and the sharing of similar stories by others who have found some sense of resolution. I genuinely (or, at least, want to be genuinely) grateful for those souls who come to terms with the cognitive dissonance that is an inevitable part of the collision of faith with raw reality. I have no advice; no answers at the back of the book. In reading your blogs, I’ve come to believe that, somehow, you will come to a place in your journey where you will get at least a fleeting glimpse of a new vista and new possibilities. In the meantime, I appreciate your willingness to speak poetically, and authentically about real struggles. Blessings, my sister, as you wrestle with God in the deep river gorge of your own hurts.