I’ve seen people try to change, and I know it isn’t easy.
But nothin’ worth the time ever really is.
And it’s not too late for love.
“Not Too Late,” Norah Jones
I think loving comes easier, or perhaps more naturally, for some people than it does for others. I’ve never been very good at it because I want to receive love before I give it. Eek!…that’s hard to admit.
I asked God several years ago to teach me how to love. I must be a hard case because He’s still teaching me. But the ways He’s teaching showing me love are precious.
I’ve learned something just in the last couple of weeks: I don’t and can’t love God in the way He loves me. I want to. For all these years, I thought I had.
I’ve known this verse since childhood: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. (Mark 12:30, NIV) I know the song. I know the motions to the song. I’ve worn those words like a noose around my neck, trying to love God as perfectly and unconditionally as He loves me. Y’all, I just can’t do it. I fail.
I’ve learned I’m even more like Simon Peter than I thought. I identified with his betrayal, his guilt, and even his restoration. But I missed something. Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him. The first two times, Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him with an unconditional (agape) love. The last time, Jesus asked him if he loved Him with an affectionately, friendly (phileo) love. Each time, Peter answered that he loved Jesus with a phileo kind of love.
I love Jesus. I do. But only because He first loved me. And He continues to. Over the past few weeks, He’s been unmistakably lavishing His love over me. I want my response to Him to continually be unconditional love, but if I’m honest, on most days, it’s more of a deeply affectionate, friendly love.
If I can’t consistently love God with an unconditional, unselfish love, how can I possibly love others that way? Again, I want to. I have the desire. But I often fail.
Graciously, God has surrounded me with people who show me glimpses of unconditional love…who teach me how to love. It’s a slow process. Maybe it has to be…to make sure the roots have a firm grasp around my heart. But I want to love in the way that I am loved.
oh, i hear you, friend.
i have the desire to love that good love, but the ability to love like that is not in me. (rom.7, yes?)
i used to hang it around my neck like a noose, too. like maybe God wasn’t completely happy with me until i learned to love him perfectly — unconditionally — like you said. but now i see that He is not like that. He not only wrote the secret down for us, but it is what He demonstrates: “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” this applies to LOVE! He loves us, not to get something back, but because He is Love — and can be nothing else. this brings me to praise and wraps me in security that i know my darkest day can’t shake.
i probably didn’t do the thought justice here, but you’ve reminded me of it, so i’m sharing it anyway. thanks for a thought-provoking post.
Kelli, thanks for stopping by! It’s nice to know someone else has struggled through this too. I’ve never thought about love in the context of it being “more blessed to give than to receive.” Thanks for drawing that to my attention. That’s overwhelming!
i love the depth and honesty of this post, the way you are wrestling through the concept of love, in all of its forms…. bless you friend. thank you so much for sharing. e.
Emily, thanks for reading!
Thank you for the raw honesty of this post, Rebekah. Something you said is so key–that you would not have loved Him had He not loved you first. He knows that……and so He doesn’t expect your love to be perfect. But He loves that you are reaching out to Him, that your desire it to emulate His wholehearted love for you, that you long to love Him with all of you, and that you are aware that you can’t, which causes you to cry out to Him all the more. And, so, you come full-circle to realizing that just as you couldn’t love Him in the first place without His enablement, you can’t go on loving without His enablement. And I’m thinking what God loves is the person whose heart longs to love Him, because she will continually draw near to experience His love anew. In the end, even our inability to love draws us to Him. And so–it’s all about HIM. He is the focus of our love, however imperfect our love might be. Bless you for the rich transparency and vulnerability you express on the screen.
Love
Lynn
Lynn, thank you for your encouragement (as always!). I like the way you describe it…coming full-circle. Sometimes I’d just like a break from the circle…to step outside of it…to rest. And there it is. Rest. How do I always come back to this when I talk to you? 😉 He must be trying to tell me something…
Maybe you come back to it when you talk to me, because He’s telling me that too. I’ve been reading Shelly Miller’s lovely postings on Sabbath rest (sadly, since she changed her website, I’m no longer able to comment). Beyond the obvious Sabbath rest, Jesus has been speaking to me about His giving me rest (ala Mt. 11:28). In fact, it is those very words He used as a final plea to put away books for now, and just plain come to Him, alone, in HIs Word. And the result? Rest. I realize in my perfectionism I have been reading books for solutions and self-improvement, rather than just coming to Him, resting in Him, and obeying Him, and letting the Holy Spirit change me. If I don’t have to work to improve myself, I can rest. And nothing I do can make Him love me more, which comes again full-circle (there’s that word again) to the intent of your post…….about loving Him.
Think too if you are wanting to break out of the circle or the cycle. I think of being encircled in Christ, in His love is such a safe, secure place to be. But I would like to break out of endless cycles of sin, ignorance, perfectionism, inability to love wholeheartedly, etc. Just a thought.
THanks for such rich sharing Rebekah. You’re a deep thinker and a daring one.
Love
Lynn
“It’s a slow process. Maybe it has to be…to make sure the roots have a firm grasp around my heart.” … Oh, how I can relate to these words! I wonder why there isn’t just some miracle grow that can speed up the process!! Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. (visiting from imperfect prose)
Nicole, welcome! I like the idea of miracle grow! I sure could stand to grow quickly and beautifully! 😉