Does God exist? Yes. No. I don’t know.
I was never one of those church kids who had doubts, who was constantly walking the aisle to get re-saved or to re-dedicate, who questioned where I would go when I die, who questioned God’s existence or goodness.
From an early age, the beliefs I’d been taught took root and I never thought to question them. When other kids talked about struggling with doubt, I couldn’t relate. My only questions were “How has God always existed?” and “Does He really know how many hairs I have on my head?” The vague answers requiring faith that my dad or my Christian-school teachers gave me always satisfied me. God’s existence and my belief were never issues.
I suppose my life-long unwavering belief is why my current doubts and questions have turned my world upside-down and left me on a tilt-a-whirl of shame and sadness. It doesn’t help that most of the people I’d considered friends and family hold unwavering, evangelical Christian beliefs and can’t (or don’t want to) understand what I’m experiencing. It’s not like I flipped a switch to doubt and can flip it back to belief.
I used to think agnostics and atheists were evil people. I couldn’t understand how anyone could question (or not believe in) God’s existence. In fact, I couldn’t have imagined even talking to one for fear that their beliefs (or lack of) would somehow rub off onto me. Right now, though, some agnostics and atheists are the very folks who are saving my sanity.
What plenty of Christians don’t understand about agnostics and atheists is that many of them used to be devout Christians. And, yes, some of them have been deeply hurt at the hands of the church. The journey out of Christianity and religion and the church has been long and painful for so many. I can certainly relate to parts of that process.
Even as I still sit atop the fence, wavering between desperately wanting to believe and not being sure that I do, these are the people who are kind and encouraging, no matter which side I end up on. These are the people who don’t ask me condescending questions and assume the worst. These are the people who can empathize with the doubt and the ache and the questions. Strangely enough, these are the people who express love like the church should, who welcome the outcasts, who tend to one another’s wounds.
If God does exist, maybe he has an unfailing love for the people who know exactly how screwed up and damaging religion can be and who ran as far away as possible.
Rebekah, it could be just I, but I think that if Christians are really honest, they will tell you they have had doubts about God–lots of them. I thnk He welcomes your wrestling. I think of so many biblical examples of doubting and wrestling and also contemporary. Isn’t it better to wrestle than to believe blindly….maybe not even knowing what you are believing. God will meet you in the midst of this. I’m glad you have friends that get this.
Love
Lynn
The wrestling is exhausting, though. I wonder if sometimes it’s better to get up and walk away.
Just read this post, Rebekah. I’m not sure why Christians fear doubt so much, even to the extent that we deny that it ever creeps into our hearts. Too often, Christians and Atheists caricature one another and tend to speak to those radical extremes rather than to the heart of each individual. This is true of practically every issue. Not all Christians are Bible-thumping Neanderthals nor are all Atheists arrogant hedonists–to name a couple of stereotypes. Our world is too complex for such reductionism. I don’t know where you ultimately will land. However, from what I sense in reading your blogs from some time, you will land–or hover–in a good place. At least while you’re on the fence, you might get a better view of the promises and dangers of blind belief in either place. Shalom, my sister.
I think I’m starting to understand why Christians fear it. Good grief…I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.