It’s all coming at me like a flood this morning.
Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love Of All,” the song I loved at age 10, came on the radio. As a young girl, I’d sing it at the top of my lungs. If I didn’t already know I was in love with music and singing by that point, I fell in love with them through that song.
In studio, May 2014
And then there’s the memory of talking with a prominent music publisher a little over a year ago who saw something…enough…in my song that he pulled me aside and spent a little time talking with me about how to be a better songwriter. It sounds small and insignificant, but that doesn’t always happen.
So many little memories. And a single thread of hope still dangles in my face, though this dream feels stagnant and nearly dead. I’ve given up more times than I can count. I’m barely hanging on yet again and wondering what it all means.
I’ve heard and read so many Christian cliches that I want to bang my head against a wall. Instead, I weep and wonder if any of it is even real. Is He fighting for me? Is He ever going to open doors? I alternate between waiting on Him and wondering if it’s all a sham.
The lyrics flow faster these days, so I write them down and tuck them away. The singing has ceased, and the quiet of my own voice is deafening.
Yes, I’m in a flood. And I’m drowning…
Been catching up on your provocative (in a really good way) blogs. Thanks for continuing to speak authentically about your journey. I have no cliché’s–I’ve been the recipient, and the occasional source, of too many. Evangelical certitudes scurry like roaches under the relentless spotlight of reality. Faith, authentic faith that embraces the astonishment of deep disorientation, is a rarity. Yet, occasionally, the poet comes and audaciously articulates reality in such a way that challenges the evangelical status quo. And, attempts are made to silence the poet. Despite the hegemony’s best efforts to maintain control by silencing the poets, their imaginative words linger still. Your post reminds me of another poet who dared to speak truth that did not fit the old certitudes (Psalm 42:7). Whatever the outcome of your personal journey, you are leaving a trail of words that beckon others, like me, to examine the substance of our faith. Thank you, my sister. Shalom.