I’ve written much over the past three years about my healing. But I realized something a few months ago.
For some, healing comes all at once…in every area of their lives. For most of us, it comes in stages…and it is painful.
My husband and I went through counseling six years ago, and I found much healing through those sessions. I considered it a complete healing up until a year and a half ago. That’s when I started having breakdowns over my memories of the childhood gun incident. I started seeing a new counselor at that time, all while extended family tensions grew increasingly worse.
While the past year has been wonderful in so many ways, including realizing a dream and passion God gave me, it has been nothing short of hell on earth. I’ve realized there are deep wounds that still need healing.
On my last visit with my counselor, which was about three months ago, I asked her why I was so certain I had experienced complete healing several years ago, only to now feel as if I were being hit with a massive onslaught of other areas that needed healing. She suggested that I had experienced a level of healing I needed for that time in order to strengthen me. She went on to say that once I had been strengthened, God uncovered other areas that still needed healing. I had to be strong enough to endure the pain of the healing process.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve begged God to completely heal me…to rid me of the hurt that lingers from my growing-up years, as well as present-day circumstances. He simply hasn’t answered those prayers. Maybe it’s a long, drawn-out process, and I just can’t see the progress. But something happened tonight. Actually, let me back up and start with last night.
My husband had gone to pick up our two oldest girls from their friends’ houses. I was craving chocolate, so I moseyed down to my oldest daughter’s room to pick through the stash of candy she keeps tucked away in her closet. I picked out several pieces of chocolate, and stood to back away from her closet. There on a shelf at eye level was a toy pistol someone had given her as a joke for her birthday. I freaked. I’d forgotten she had it, and immediately my mind began to race as to how she’d have a gun in her closet. It only took a second or two for me to remember where she’d gotten it and that it was a toy. But by that point, the memory had been triggered {what an awful, unintended, but somewhat-appropriate pun}, and the breakdown was underway. Within a matter of a few seconds, my mind jumped from my present reality to being seven years old then back to present reality with harmful thoughts that could only come from Satan. I regained my composure {and sanity} before Mark and the girls got home, but that little incident has wreaked havoc on me for a solid twenty-four hours now.
Earlier this evening my church choir led in a semi-annual worship event. I’d been functional all day, but as soon as we began to sing the first song, one thought led to another until I was quickly remembering being seven years old. I could barely sing. Hell, I could barely stand there. I wanted to run as fast as I could to my car and leave. I stood and sang for about an hour with tears streaming down my cheeks in what I suppose probably appeared to be a zombie-like state. The entire time, I was alternately begging and demanding God to heal me or take me to be with Him in heaven. A lot of wrestling was taking place.
In his article, “The Cost of Wrestling with God,” Daniel Parkins said, Often…(God) uses the hurt in our lives to bring us back to Him, to put us in our proper place, so that we cling to Him in our weakness and He shines through. So I silently scream and wrestle and beg and demand…because if He’s going to use all this hurt so He can shine through my weakness, well, I want Him to hurry up and do what He needs to do. I seriously need to see some good from all this.
There was no breakthrough tonight. I lost the wrestling match. I didn’t experience miraculous healing. In fact, on my way home, I pulled into a grocery store parking lot and wept. And I’m left wondering if this is one of those hurts that will never be healed. Is it sort of like Paul’s thorn in the flesh?
But there was this, and for now, I guess it has to be enough…
A little something I saw as I scrolled through my Facebook feed this evening: Sometimes you’ll have to fight for it or be still enough to hear it or feel it but it will be there. Like a light breeze across your face, something will mysteriously whisper that you are loved, and tell you the story of how goodness and beauty prevail. (posted by Jim Palmer…from Ecclesiastes 3, The Religion-Free Bible Project)
You are loved. Even in the hurt, in the wondering and wandering, in the wrestling, He keeps reminding me of that.
Oh, Rebekah, how I feel for you. Much of what you write here is ehoed in my own heart and life. I am still very much a work in progress in these areas too. A degree of emotional healing has taken place regarding the circumstances and events that shadowed my past and continue to infiltrate the present. Wounds may not be so deep but scars certainly remain. There will always be those breath-catch reminders to knock us sideways. But when we fall we fall into arms of love and grace. The very fact that we can write about these things is an indicator of how far we have come in the healing process, whether it feels like it or not. I’ve written a bit about my own heart-stop moments on my blog. Here’s the link if you are interested:http://wordsofjoy75.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/me-and-my-shadow.html Let’s share the pain. Lay it all bare and let the wounds be lanced by God’s laser light of healing as we continue on the path toward wholeness. You are braver than you know, my friend. Blessings of peace and love to you
x
So much wisdom here, Joy. Thank you for the encouragement. I love the phrase, “breath-catch reminders.” I have lots of those.
Keep pressing forward and you will continue in your healing, it is hard but I know you can do it.
Thank you, Sharon!
God doesnt wipe all of our bad memories from our mind. As we go along in life, he makes it easier for us to deal with them. It is not God who brings them up, it is satan himself. Every chance that he gets he will bring them up in our mind. The Bible says that the devil is going to and fro seeking those that he can devour. He attacks us at our weakest moment in our life. God is with us through all of our hurt and our weakest moments. When these things happen to us, we can keep a prayer in our hearts and a song on our lips. The devil sees the happiness that you are experienceing in your life through doing something that you enjoy and he wants to put doubt in your mind about what you are doing and enjoying. You can defeat the devil by in communication with god whenever you can. You already have a song on your lips, now just keep a prayer in your heart at all times. I am praying for you and your family. Dont forget that you are an inspiration to alot of people who know you. I am praying for you.
Don, I’m finally learning that God is with us in our weakest moments. I’ve spent a lifetime thinking He was waiting on me to be as perfect as possible. How ridiculous! Thank you for your prayers!!
You give me encouragement by your honesty. I learned long ago that pain is a gift (maybe you did win the wrestling match by allowing the catharsis to process). I’ll be praying with you on this continuing journey of healing. My enemy was already defeated with the words “It Is Finished.”
I love that, Annette! If I won the wrestling match, I’d just like to feel it…
For years, I felt such pain and anguish similar to yours. The healing process seemed to take forever. I thought the pain would never end and healing would never come. People kept telling me to be patient and allow God to work in His timing. Well, I didn’t like His timing or His ways! I kicked, cried, screamed, and did a few other unmentionables. People kept telling me that complete healing would indeed come “one day.” I thought, “Perhaps my case is different. Maybe I won’t receive healing after all.” But, “one day” I realized, “Oh My! The pain is gone! This is the place of healing that everyone kept telling me about. I cannot believe I am actually living life on the other side of the healing process!” That was several years ago and the healing remains. I am praying for you and believing God will work a similar miracle of healing for you as well. I love you!
Oh my goodness…I was a weepy mess as I read your words. Thank you so much for this. You’ll probably never know how much it means. I can’t even comprehend getting to the other side of the healing process. But I am so very thankful to know that you reached it. I’ve wondered. Thank you… I love you too.
You are welcome. I am here for you if you wish to contact me. You have my email. I love you much!