Into The Roots Of Wounds

I thought the breaking happened six and a half years ago. And I was sure a miraculous healing followed. I’ve blogged about it many times over the past couple of years.

However…

I’ve been in the process of discovering something over the last couple of months; and about two weeks ago, it finally settled on me.

The breaking happened many, many years ago…like thirty-something. And that thing six and a half years ago? Well, that was the first blink in a long, eye-opening discovery: it was a nasty symptom of the brokenness. And that healing? Well, it was my first glimpse of grace. And I’ve held on to it so tightly that I haven’t allowed room for the intense healing that needs to happen at the root of my wounds.

The Sunday after the Sandy Hook shootings, my pastor and music minister made several references to the shootings, and of course, prayer was offered on behalf of all those involved. During that prayer, a thought flashed across my mind that had never occurred to me before: God, I’m angry with you. You could’ve stopped her when I was seven. Why didn’t you? The thought surprised me because I’d never consciously blamed God for that experience. I dismissed it, and thought it was probably a deeply emotional reaction to the Sandy Hook shootings.

I visited my counselor on Wednesday for the first time in six months. I told her about my recent discovery, and explained my desperate need for healing, and my lack of knowledge on how to gain it. She led me through an intense healing exercise that I won’t even try to explain in this post.

I discovered something during that exercise: I was indeed angry with God for allowing my mother’s behavior that day. When my counselor asked if I would allow Jesus to come in to that wound to comfort and heal it, I was shocked by my response: No. I’m angry with Him. He allowed it. He could’ve stopped it. She explained that He too was angry that it had happened, and that He wanted to comfort and heal me.

I think maybe, just maybe, in the next few minutes, I opened myself to let the healing process begin. I’m sure it’s going to be a long, painful journey as I peel back the layers of my life…to expose myself…to allow God into the root of each wound.