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It’s been 14 months since my family and I left church. During that time, many well-meaning folks have voiced their opinions and suggestions to us {mostly me} about our lack of church attendance. Mostly, those opinions/suggestions were more hurtful than helpful. So I’ve compiled a list of nine things not to say to people who’ve left the church in an effort to bridge the gap between those who go to church and those who don’t:
1. Did you get your feelings hurt about something?
When a member of another church asked me that, I smiled and said, “It’s bigger than that.” What I wanted to say was, “Are you kidding me?! You have no idea how much courage it took to walk away.”
If lifelong church members leave the church, it took more than getting their feelings hurt to make that decision. More than likely, it took a series of hurts due to being in a toxic environment.
When you ask us if we’ve left church because our feelings were hurt, you undermine the seriousness of our experiences.
If you don’t know why someone left church, rather than make an assumption and ask questions based on that, try saying this: “That must’ve been hard for you.”
2. Don’t abandon God.
The same person who asked if I got my feelings hurt, immediately followed her question with this advice.
People who’ve left church likely feel one of two ways:
Some feel closer to God, dig deeper into Scripture, and long to hear Him.
Some feel like God abandoned them.
I’ve felt both.
Either way, your well-meaning advice to not abandon God likely adds to the shame and hurt one feels after leaving church.
3. You need to be in church somewhere.
I assume the folks who say this think that just any church will do. Community must not matter to them. They must not be aware of the presence of spiritual abuse in many churches.
I assume those who say this think that just showing up for church once or twice a week will perform some magic trick in the life of the people who left. I’m betting these folks attend church so they can check it off their box for the week.
However, if deeply-committed church members have walked away, there’s likely good reason. They’re not interested in checking a box.
4. Your kids need to be in church. and/or What are you teaching your kids?
Again, this piles on the shame.
My kids were learning some toxic religious beliefs, and honestly, I’m scared for a church to teach them anything right now.
Those of us with children who have walked away from church are torn, especially if we’ve been dependent on the church to teach them what to believe. Now it’s up to us to show them how to think for themselves and question what they believe, and that’s hard.
Don’t use people’s children as manipulation tactics.
5. How are you doing? (accompanied by a look of pity)
If you sincerely want to know how we’re doing, just ask. Please don’t assume we’re to be pitied just because we left church and need to work through the aftermath.
And if we genuinely seem happier out of church, it’s okay to say so. Don’t deny or ignore our happiness. You’re not going to discourage any possibilities of our future church attendance by acknowledging our current happiness. Our church attendance is not dependent on you.
6. I’m praying for you. (accompanied by a look of condescension)
When I experienced this, it felt like the person was saying, “I’m praying you’ll come to your senses and get back in church.”
If you feel the need to tell someone who’s left church you’re praying for them, be specific. Tell them what it is you’re praying for. Are you praying for wounds to be mended? Are you praying that the church would reach out in apology (if they’re in the wrong)? Are you praying for well-being?
Most of us would appreciate knowing what it is you’re praying for.
If, however, you are praying for the person who left to get back in church, this is better left unsaid.
7. You should visit my church. You’d love it.
When people say they’ve left church, this usually means they’ve left all churches, at least for a time.
This often puts us in an uncomfortable position. We don’t want to offend you, but really, we’re not in a place to love any particular church institution.
If you feel you must invite us to church, extend the invitation without further commentary. This allows us to say “Thank you” or “I’ll think about it” without feeling like we’re going to offend you if we don’t visit and love your church.
8. I’m not a holy roller.
It’s okay if you are. Just because we don’t go to church anymore doesn’t mean you need to downplay your experiences.
We can be friends with different beliefs and different views about church.
We’re not judging you because you go to church every time the doors are open. Most of us have been there, done that. We understand.
9. You just need to forgive and move on.
Really, you have no idea how damaging this is, especially if you haven’t bothered to find out why we left church.
It is quite possible some of us are harboring unforgiveness. But it’s also quite possible that some of us just need time away from what has been institutional evil in our lives.
Please don’t assume you know our hearts unless you’ve devoted some time and energy into hearing our stories.
Unless you’ve walked in our shoes, you can’t know the paths that led us to walk away from church.
It’s best to say, “I hope you find the healing you need.”
If you’ve left the church, are there any phrases you’d add to this list?
I’d add: “You talked this over with the pastor before you left, didn’t you?”
My answer is a) That’s between me and the pastor, and b) I answer to God, not someone who thinks such conversations are necessary. And if I want to stop attending a church without talking it over with staff first, I have the freedom in Christ to do so.
That’s the real key. Those who belong to Jesus are always in fellowship with him because our place in the family of God depends on what Jesus has done for us, not what we’ve done for him or each other. That’s one of the great blessings about being reconciled to God: he has reconciled us to himself for all eternity.
Ah, yes! I forgot about that one. I was asked a couple of times if I’d taken my concerns to the pastor. I didn’t. I’ve never met a pastor who wanted anything other than “yes” and “amen” from staff and members. Besides, I was told repeatedly that I needed to submit to church authorities, i.e., not think for myself.
So, so good! And I agree with Tim fully.
I left the church for six years, and I’d randomly show up occasionally because maybe a friend invited me or I genuinely felt led to attend on a Sunday morning. The hardest to stomach was the people’s reaction to me that kept me from going regularly.
When I was 21 or 22, my parents were in town visiting me and wanted to go to church. My dad is a pastor and in that denomination visiting pastors always make their presence known. He got up to address the church and mentioned me. People were turning their heads trying to figure out who his daughter was. When they saw me with him after service, I got multiple apologies because “if only they had known I was a pastor’s daughter, they would have paid more attention to me.”
I was shunned for years because I “backslid”. Being raised Pentecostal, backsliding is the ultimate sin – when all I did was cut my hair and start wearing pants for the first time in my life (at 19 years old).
I could share so many stories.
This is a great post, and is it weird for me to say I think it’s healthy to step away for a time and assess what church really means to you personally? Maybe that’s just because I did it. I dunno.
I think you’re brave to do it and to talk about it.
Oh, girl! The conversations we could have! My dad was (is) a pastor too, so I totally know what you mean. We were IFB, then Southern Baptist. I was in 3rd grade when I wore my first pair of pants.
My counselor recommended taking a break from church, but it took 2 years for me actually leave. So hard, but I think it’s been the best thing I could’ve done.
So good to hear from somebody who has lived the craziness and understands it!!
Oh gosh, no DOUBT the conversations we’d have! I totally get you. 😀