They sit in a circle in the corner of the coffee shop, chairs close enough so they can listen intently to one another. I don’t have to hear their conversation to know they’re not discussing business as most men do at this shop. No, these men are in casual attire, two of them older and two younger. No laptops, no binders.
Instinctively, I know what they’re doing, and I wonder how this meeting benefits each of them. I wonder what their agenda is.
I see one reading aloud, followed by another. Then I see it. One of the older men is reading from the Bible.
I can’t help but wonder the matter of discussion. Theology? Accountability? Behavior management? Intimacy with God? Mentorship?
I discover that I’m a little repulsed. I suppose it’s because I’ve sat in many circles at many coffee shops and had, no doubt, similar discussions.
I know what it’s like to stay in the Christian bubble, protecting myself from “the world.” I know what it’s like to feel safe, to believe I’m making a difference by burying my head in a Bible study workbook, to think those small-group meetings actually build intimate relationships.
Since leaving church, though, I’ve found what it means to live. By stepping outside the bubble, I’ve had the privilege of meeting people I’d always been told to avoid because they might influence me in a way that didn’t align with my Stepford-style religion. These folks aren’t interested in Bible study groups or accountability or mentorship, yet I’ve had beautiful discussions with them that have expanded my love.
And isn’t love at the heart of what Jesus lived and taught? If it’s true that perfect love casts out fear, why are most Christians playing it safe inside their circles, excluding anyone with a different belief or lifestyle?
I think, perhaps, if Jesus were in the coffee shop, he might sit in the circle long enough to tell those men to get up and go live, to embrace those who are different from themselves, to engage the difficult questions, and to love beyond the boundaries they’ve created with their religion.
I imagine Jesus might tell us all that perfect love is messy and hard and totally worth it! And I think he’d tell us that perfect love doesn’t exist in our tidy, exclusive, mask-filled meetings.
Hi Rebekah,
I always love what you write and how you write it. It’s not different in this instance whatever, but I wonder if I could share another perspective? As a young Christian (actually, both in age and maturity), I shared in a small group like the one you mention, in various capacties and locations…sometimes in little bible studies of women I really didn’t know, and another time with a couple of friends. I was not the typical Christian, though I’d been raised in a Christian home. But in my twenties, I rejected those teachings and was searching for inner peace. I realized I didn’t have the faith of my parents. I was troubled and depressed, and in fact, suicidal. (In retrospect, I realize I wasn’t even a Christian at all, and didn’t know the Lord. I actually became a Christian several years later). But kind Christians invited me into these little circles not to transform me or make me a cookie-cutter version of themselves, but to love me as CHrist would–to listen to my angst and what likely to them sounded like anger, confusion ,disregard, disrespect, off-the-wall answers to the Bible study questions they posed, and my doubt-filled questions and synicism. Those little circles, where obedience to Christ, learning about God’s Word, and Chrirstian love were central, became oases of refuge and acceptance to me. They became God’s instrument for reaching me. And our relationships became intimate. Christians *are* to meet together. It’s Scriptural and God-ordained so that we can find strength together in Him, so we can be edified, so we can encourage and exhort, and yes, keep each other accountable. It’s not a bad thing; it’s what God has designed as a way to strengthen us and our walk with Him so that when we go out into the world (so to speak) we can encourage others and share Christ with them. Being in small groups should not mean that we stay there. And once we make friendships and associations with those outside the church, does that mean we can’t learn from or love them? No. Hopefully, we will have learned humility as one “outcome” of our intimate sharing with other Christians, and we will understand that all truth is God’s truth, and that we can learn much from non-Christians (or from Christians in settings other than church), and we can also benefit greatly from their gifts. But, Rebekah, and I say this as gently as I know how and truly mean no offense, but to assume that little Christian discipleship groups (or maybe just little groups where Christian friends assemble) where theology, accountability, behavioral suggestions, and intimacy with God and mentorship are encouraged are somehow wrong or just imprisoning us in a Pollyannish Christian bubble, also, I believe, does a disservice. If these groups meet in honest transparency, were sins are confessed and repented of and the Savior is sought in a genuine desire to love Him and to become like Him, then these groups will nurture us in love and growth and make us far better people to be able to reach those who do not know Christ. And they will have prepared us to do so in humility and love, not lording knowledge over them and chastising them or being ashamed to be associated with them, but rather, to love them and acknowledge their beauty as people created in their Maker’s image. Yes, Jesus associated with sinners, those whom others in His day rejected, but He, Himself, also discipled a small group of His mentees, His disciples. By doing this, they gained intimate knowledge of the Savior and they were able to encoruage ech other as He sent them out into the world. Jesus, I’m thinking, did both things. Please forgive me if I am way off-base here. It’s difficult to communicate in this format at times, not knowing exactly what we each mean, without benefit of face-to-face conversation to clarify….so if I am misinterpreting your meaning, pls. extend grace and forgiveness. You have really gotten me to thinking, personally, that more and more I want to remain faithful to the small circle of women w/ whom I meet intimately at my church, with whom I share Christ-centered and personal relationship, but then to leave their company and to reach out more and more to my community. I long for both in my life, and I thank youso very much for this powerful challenge. Again, I always love hearing from you!!
Sending much love and best wishes for a joyous New Year.
Lynn
Lynn, thanks for your honest comments. I suppose I implied *most* Christians, small groups, Bible studies, etc. play it safe and are exclusive because those have been my only experience. This is simply my perspective based on those experiences. This post is coming from the heart of someone who was asked if my questioning was an attempt to be divisive. My questions were met with blank stares, condescension, and finally, removal.
I don’t doubt that there are many more people, like you, who have had wonderful experiences and are thankful for them. I wonder if those good experiences might be due to different denominations than I was a member of, or if they might have something to do with local culture. My experience, unfortunately, seems to be the norm in the Bible Belt.
I better relate to Ellen’s comments below because those are the very things I’ve experienced.
I understand your comments about Jesus mentoring the disciples, and our need for such intimate knowledge and relationship with him. However, I don’t necessarily think that’s gained through church or small groups. Unfortunately, I think there are too many pastors and leaders and facilitators who take on the role of God and forget they are mere mortals. Thankfully, during my time away from church, I’ve had one-on-one conversations with friends and even strangers about theology, accountability, etc…all from differing perspectives. Maybe I’m naive, but I believe I’ve been forced to face my questions due to these conversations…something the “circles” inhibited me from doing.
Again, thank you for your comments and sharing your perspective. I don’t find it “way off-base” at all. I just suppose our experiences have been polar opposites. I always appreciate what you have to say!
Much love,
Rebekah
Rebekah, I always LOVE to hear what you have to think—as you know from our lovely rapport and conversations, lo, these several years. I’m unsure when I “met” you virtually, but you have affected my heart in deep ways and have made an indelible difference in my life. I treasure you as a person and a friend. You have so many gifts to give, and I’m so fortunate to have been a recipient of them! I love that you think, what you think, and that you are not reticent about expressing it. I’m sorry that I had not realized that you had commented to me here. I would have responded far sooner. I did take your blogpost as an implication, as you said in your response, simply because you had not qualified it as “just your experience.” I merely wanted to present another perspective, and I am so privileged that you saw it in that light and not as a personal criticism. Thank you so much. I do completely empathize with you though. While my experiences have been predominantly good, I still have experienced pain in the church. I believe I have written about that at another time on one of your blogs, and so didn’t again in response to this blogpost. I was trying simply to describe that small groups do not have to be negative, and that the gathering of Christians is a biblical model. In terms of my negative experiences, I attended an interdenominational Bible study which at times could be very legalistic, and the leader of it treated me with condescension and disdain. It was a very painful experience. I ended up leaving. I also went to a church that ultimately was heretical, and while I believe my husband and I were making a difference in a small Sunday-School setting, standing for truth, in the end, we left because of false teaching. I didn’t attend any church for a year. But a friend gently led me back to church—not the one I’d left, but another where truth was taught and true Christian fellowship was modeled. We stayed about a year until I was called to another church as Director of Christian Education. And now we are in a church that we love. It doesn’t mean it’s perfect; we attend there after all! But I continually remind myself that Christ died for the Church, and He loves the Church. And yes, while we can have marvelous experiences outside the Church with fellow Christians (and with others who do not yet know Him or maybe never will), I still believe that Christ bids us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together as a church fellowship….and that Paul gives us guidelines for accountability within the Church. (I do think we have lots of freedom as to whether to associate with a particular denomination, nondenomination, etc) Surely, though, models of accountability (pastors, elders, small groups) are *NOT* to be abused. God forbid! I hate that you experienced that. And we need to flee such manipulation. And we flee heresy. But I’m so glad my friend encouraged me back into the church. I would have missed so much. I need the gifts of others, and they need mine. It will never be perfect, because people aren’t. But God uses even the imperfection, and sometimes the pain, to conform me to Christ’s image. It’s His plan, not mine. But I thank you for listening, and I always want to listen to you, and I can’t say enough how very sorry I am that you have suffered at the hands of Christians who banded themselves together under the umbrella of the Church. Shame on them.
Lynn,
I don’t think Rebekah was making a broad generalization about small groups or accountability circles or whatever you want to call it. I think she was sharing HER experience. You are right, I am sure, in that not every small group of Christians meeting together is bad or negative, but, for many of us, Rebekah’s experience is anything but rare. In fact, I would venture to say that it is much more common than most people are willing to admit – perhaps mostly because they don’t want to see it.
In my personal experience, most people who involve themselves in these kinds of groups aren’t a bit interested in much more than the prestige that comes from being in a group (read “clique”) that meets in a public place (like a coffee shop, restaurant, library, etc.), so that they can be SEEN being RELIGIOUS. They were their righteousness like the pharasees with those little boxes strapped to their foreheads, sending the message to everyone who sees them, “Look at me! I’m so religious/faithful/Christian and so are my ‘friends’ – see how much better we are than you?”
All the while, they stick their noses up at everyone who doesn’t attend church – or even THEIR church, never consider helping a non-church-going neighbor or needy person, and wouldn’t be caught dead staying friends with someone who broke ranks (didn’t measure up to the church’s standards – but that’s a whole other set of blog posts).
This so-called Christian life, I believe Rebekah is learning, is not the Christian life at all. Life in a bubble that shuns and shuts out others, life without unconditional acceptance and love, has nothing at all to do with Jesus.
I’m so glad you have had a positive experience with people reaching out to you. And I hope that you and your fellow group members are doing exactly what you wrote about Jesus and his disciples – going out and loving on others. Be an example for those who are more about building walls than bridges.
Ellen
Ellen, thanks so much for your comments. We certainly share many similar experiences, which is sad. I love what you said: “Life in a bubble that shuns and shuts out others, life without unconditional acceptance and love, has nothing at all to do with Jesus.” So true!
Ellen
Ellen, thank you for your most gracious and enlightening response. I’m grateful. I apologize that I have not responded, but I didn’t realize until recently that you had written. I’m not sure, of course, that you will even see this. Perhaps Rebekah can tell you.
I appreciate your viewpoint. In terms of Rebekah’s initial blogpost, though, I don’t think it was crystal clear that she was merely speaking from her own experience. In her reply to my response she says this: “I suppose I implied *most* Christians, small groups, Bible studies, etc.” I sensed that implication, which is why I responded as I did. Rebekah knows me well enough to know that I am not criticizing generally, or her personally. I love her and admire her deeply. I was merely expressing another real experience of Christian small groups and church experiences. I also did not mention negative experiences which I, myself, have encountered, because I’ve done that elsewhere to her. But I did elaborate again more on this in my reply post to hers, which you may be interested in reading. I’m so sorry that you have experienced Pharisaical kinds of experiences in Christian small groups. That kind of treatment, it seems to me, is unconscionable. The solution, perhaps, is to leave a church like this, which would not be a good biblical model, and find another, or else stay and ask God how you, by your own example through His enabling, can demonstrate true Christian love and be used by Him to change hearts. I personally don’t believe that the answer is simply to leave the Church, overall, though you didn’t actually say that. I state it because, sadly, many people do. I did. But it wasn’t right, and I’m grateful to God for drawing me back into the fellowship of the Church. The Lord bids that we both assemble together as believers who love, encourage, and at times admonish each other, but also who go into the world and love our neighbors. I don’t believe that Scripture makes it an “either/or” option. The Bible mentions both. Jesus did both. I’m not quite sure what you mean by “Christian bubble,” but if it means to be involved with fellow Christians, exclusively, then that, I don’t believe, would be Jesus’ desire. But one could live in a bubble of another kind if one stood alone. That could be an isolating bubble of its own. I’m grateful to belong to a church fellowship that involves its members in missions, community service, work in the city, etc. And because, I, personally, tend to be an introvert, I must constantly remind myself to reach out to my neighbor. With God’s help, I am. May the Lord bless you Ellen, and again, I appreciate your writing to me.
Blessings,
Lynn
As a pastor, I appreciate your blog, Rebekah, and the conversation it created. I’ve learned that the only window into any reality is our own, often barely-cracked-open one and whose pane is smudged with our own hurts, biases, and presuppositions. And, there are those more transparent streaks amongst it all. I’ve had both good and bad experiences in these “holy huddles” as I tend to refer to them (I don’t claim originality to the term). As in anything, whether in solitude, intimate community with others, or walking broadly in our world, the line of “good” and “bad” tends to run through everyone of us. There are “holy huddles” where I’m not welcome; there are others that breathe life into me and swing open the broad doors of God’s grace and inclusivity, allowing me to wrestle with questions and think out loud without either judgment or blind acceptance. Wonderful communities these are. Like you, Rebekah, sometimes the most meaningful experiences are among those whose “window panes” are streaked differently than mine. Among them I sense love, grace, mercy as well as getting a glimpse of their fears, angst, and frustrations. Praying for all churches to be safe places to questions, wrestle, think out loud….but mostly love authentically. Thanks again, Rebekah, for your poetic voice.