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I recently changed my tag line from “finding beauty in the messiness of grace” to “i had hoped. i used to. blogging about faith and doubt.” 

I had hoped grace would win.

I used to believe in dreams.

In reality, I’m writing more about doubt than faith.

I still have an entire box of business cards identifying myself a songwriter with the old tag line. I can’t bring myself to trash them.

The truth is, though, what little beauty I’m finding these days is certainly not found in grace.

I offered what I believed to be grace over and over, only to have it rejected and thrown back in my face, so I gave up and quit offering it. It’s hypocritical to bask in whatever grace I’ve believed myself to receive, then deny it to others. I finally realized I couldn’t muster up any more grace and/or forgiveness in certain situations of my life.

Looking back now at all the grace babble, I wonder if I wasn’t offering grace, but some kind of conditional acceptance — an I’ll-accept-you-as-you-are-if-you’ll-accept-me-as-I-am deal.

True grace is unconditional, and doesn’t give up when it’s rejected. True grace welcomes people just as they are. True grace forgives before an apology is received. True grace gives second and third and hundredth chances.

There were those who mocked me for all the grace talk, who said I wasn’t great at giving the grace I talked so much about. This is me saying, “You were right.”

But you need to know: I was sincere. I genuinely believed grace would win.

I still believe grace will win at the end of the Story. But the victory doesn’t take place in this chapter.

Maybe there will come a time when I can embrace and extend true grace. Maybe the hard work of choosing forgiveness will take root in my heart. Maybe grace will be the final word.