I started writing this blog as a way to get past the surface…in my own life and in the lives of others. I wanted to share my experiences and the way I saw God through and in life and creation. I wanted to dig deeper to the truth of my own heart, and in the process, encourage others to do the same.

I had no idea I’d ever be where I am now.

A couple of months ago someone said to me, We can tell you are questioning your faith. At the time I wasn’t. Or I thought I wasn’t. I was certainly questioning my long-held beliefs and why I believed them. But I wasn’t questioning my faith in God. However, maybe her comment was prophetic in a way.

There is a wrestling match in my soul every day. My faith is shot. I want to deny that God exists, but without even thinking, I’ll find myself talking to Him. I want nothing to do with God, yet the core of who I am mocks me for thinking I can live that way.

I clung to grace in the midst of family strife, believing grace would eventually overcome all the issues.

My refusal to silence my belief and hope in scandalous grace is the very reason I had to walk away from church when the line was drawn in the sand.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve slowly let go of my grasp on grace. I stand here empty handed, filled with hurt and anger, probably on the brink of bitterness. And the times I talk to Him, I question: I held on to all that grace for what, God? 

You see, I have a hard time trusting the same God as those who would rather toss me aside than take the time to love me. I have a hard time believing God when the self-righteous claim belief in the same God. I have a hard time putting faith in the same God as those who tell me to forgive and move on, instead of allowing me time to work through and heal from years and years of heartache.

So, yeah, maybe that person was right: I’m questioning my faith. And maybe some of you saw it before I did. Or maybe I just didn’t want to let myself believe it.

Whatever the case, the truth of my heart today is that it aches. I have no encouraging words to share. And I can’t point anyone towards faith in God.

The truth of my heart is that I won’t pretend to be super-spiritual. The truth of my heart is that my faith is shot, and I can no longer find a trace of grace to offer.