I didn’t think I’d ever numb again. I was finally awake, and I felt everything in a way that led to creativity. I felt alive for the first time in my life, and I had no intention of going back.

But here I am. The walls I’ve built are thick and tall enough to keep the hurt out. I’m protected from everything— including joy.

Unfortunately, when you build walls to keep out the pain, you also keep out the joy. You can only feel joy if you allow yourself to feel pain, too. Either you numb, or you experience both joy and pain. When you numb and build walls to protect yourself, the only thing inside them is the broken heart you try to avoid feeling.

I recently quit taking the little white pill in hopes that I could feel again. I haven’t cried much in the past two years, but I haven’t smiled much, either. Maybe, eventually, I will. Maybe I’ll get to the point where I can tear down my prison walls and come back to life.

Maybe inspiration and dedication will re-appear soon. Maybe words will flow again. Maybe songs will rise within me. Maybe I’ll learn to be brave and vulnerable again. Maybe I’ll rediscover my purpose and find a way to make a difference in the world.