Up until August of 2013, I spent my life in church, only missing occasionally. I’ve heard thousands of messages, sung hundreds of “Christian” songs, worked through dozens of Bible studies, and checked all the boxes. I know theology that would bore you to sleep. I can sing hymns in my sleep. I know all the Sunday-school answers. Somehow, after all that, I still suck at being a Christian.

It’s supposed to be as simple as loving God and loving others, right? Maybe it is. But when your image of God is all convoluted with the experiences of your father, the man who condescendingly told you there’s something wrong with you, it’s hard to love Him. And when you believe there’s something wrong with you, when those words play over and over and over in your head, it’s hard to love yourself, and in turn, love others.

I weigh every decision on the scale of right and wrong, trying desperately to figure out the right thing, i.e., the “Christian” thing to do, and it has become absolutely exhausting. I’m always listening for that still, small voice to guide me, but mostly, I stay paralyzed. And the times I actually do make decisions, I end up second-guessing myself. I am weary of it.

It seems life would be more peaceful and enjoyable if I could believe there is no God, if I could just live without the constant tension of Christianity. But even my damn fundamental roots won’t let me believe there’s no God. So I stick with the process of recovering from all the spiritual abuse and manipulation.

I’ve clung to God through brokenness. I’ve hoped to gain peace through submission. I’ve persevered, and I’ve given up — because both are part of being a Christian, right? But this paradox of the Christian life has had me walking a tightrope for most of my 38 years. I want to jump off . . . to be free, but fear keeps me putting one foot in front of the other, trying so desperately to love myself, love God, love others, and live without regret.

Note: I always love getting comments. However, if you feel inclined to leave a comment on this post in an attempt to “fix” me with Christian methods or suggestions, please don’t.