I’ve stared at blank screens for weeks now. I’ve spent hours wracking my brain for stories. I’ve flipped through the years of files in my brain. I keep coming up empty.

I’ve been asked to write for a new web site intended to help people through rough times. And while I’ve certainly been through my own crap, I keep comparing my life to other people’s stories. I keep thinking I don’t have anything worth sharing.

I write here on my little space more for my own benefit than anyone else’s. Don’t get me wrong: I’m thrilled when readers comment and share that what I’ve written means something to them…but for three years, this has been me working out my salvation.

I find it quite laughable that God has pointed me in the direction of this new writing venture. I fall into the comparison trap, and I know I rank way low on the good, Christian woman scale. I mean, just today I lost my mind with my fighting children. I yelled profanities and threatened all sorts of things I didn’t really mean. So when I think of all the people that should be writing for this new site, I know plenty better Christians.

When a friend recently referred to me as a “Godly woman,” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I know me. I know my struggles and weaknesses. And “Godly” doesn’t come to mind when I think of those things. Oh sure, there was a time when I considered myself a “Godly woman” and the stereotype that goes with that in our society; but over the last seven years, I’ve become well acquainted with myself. I know the redemptive love of Jesus is the only “Godly” thing in me.

There’s no pressure for me to write from the perspective of someone who’s made it to the other side and who has it all together {because really…do any of us ever get there on this side of eternity?}, but the temptation is strong to write lists, steps and how-to kinds of blog posts. But even I don’t buy that BS.

I’ve been told on more than a few occasions, Write what you know. So…what do I know? I know that Jesus loves me in an intimate and personal way. I know that without Grace and Mercy, my life would be a train wreck. I know that compassion reaches people far better than confrontation. I know that I can’t {nor do I even want to} live up to the stereotype of a “Godly woman;” instead, I’ll proclaim the goodness of God in me.

I also know sleepless nights and financial struggles and marital discord and abandonment and rejection and family dysfunction and co-dependency and heartbreak and broken dreams. I know the war between flesh and spirit, and the fight to rest in the Spirit.

If there’s one thing I’ve figured out from writing these past few years, it’s that my voice grates on the ears of those who live by law and behavior modification. I’ve discovered that my voice is meant for those who realize they can’t do or be good enough to make themselves acceptable to God. I recently summarized my voice and purpose this way: sharing words of hope, grace and love for those who’ve screwed up their lives with bad choices.

Why has He given me this opportunity? I don’t know. When I look at my life, I see one mess after another, failures, unforgiveness, and weaknesses. Maybe those are just the things people need to hear about…to know they’re not alone….to know that Jesus radically and unconditionally loves them even in the midst of the shit they create for themselves.