Another one of those articles in which a pastor-author used fear tactics and guilt trips and shame-inducing language as a way to prompt Christian behavior modification showed up in my Facebook feed recently.

Kenneth Kuykendall listed What Happens When You’re Not There: The Effects of Missing Church as his most popular blog post for 2013. I can see why. I bet pastors and ministers loved it. But as someone who’s been out of church for the last five months, I’m frustrated with the list of effects he stated happens as a result of a member’s absence.

He prefaced the list with this: “The Bible is emphatic about church attendance.” Of course, he followed that statement with Hebrews 10:25, which in my understanding, says nothing of attending the Institutional Church.

Anyway, the list. Admittedly, I am still hurt and angry and grieving over my reasons for leaving church, so some of the items on the list lit a fire within me, and I’m addressing them based on my experience. (Certainly, not everyone has had such hurtful experiences with church, and this is not an attempt to speak for them.)

I’ll group together the following two statements from the list:
Your voice is not heard in the worship and singing of the saints
You cannot actively serve others who may need your gifts

I’m a singer, and there’s nothing I’d rather do. It’s one of my gifts/talents, and one of the ways I’ve actively “served” for years. However, I was removed from praise team rotation last summer before being told why. The reasons? Well, without going into detail, it turned out to be a matter of differences of opinions in theology and preferences of TV pastors, both of which I openly share mine in public forums. There was also a problem with the fact that I openly critiqued things that occurred in my church (I didn’t use my church’s name or those of individuals), as well as the institutional church at large, I didn’t believe aligned with the New Covenant gospel of grace. I was an active member told to silence my public, opinionated voice. (Obviously, I didn’t comply.)

From my experience, there are some churches that only want to hear members’ voices and allow them to use their gifts in service as long as they comply and agree with the pastor and staff.

The second statement implies that a member’s gifts can only be used to serve inside the church walls. This would be incorrect as I know plenty of church members who daily use their gifts to serve others.

You do not receive the Word of God in a preaching format

Sorry, but this fear-based statement is totally invalid. Just yesterday morning, my husband and I watched Joseph Prince on TV.

You miss out on corporate prayer

Well, from my experience, corporate prayer is when the pastor or another minister stands and delivers an all-encompassing prayer while everyone else bows their heads in agreement. I’ve experienced that at some of my kids’ sporting events.

You forfeit fellowship with other believers

Actually, I don’t. I stay in regular contact with believing friends. We share meals, we pray for one another, we encourage one another, we discuss life and the way God works and what we’re learning. Sounds like fellowship to me. In fact, it’s far more fellowship than I experienced in two hours on Sunday mornings.

You send a message to the youth that missing church is acceptable

I guess I’m supposed to feel shame from this statement. But my response is…By all means, yes! At this point, I’m thankful my children are not in church. One of my children had the same Sunday School teachers for three years. Those teachers consistently taught legalism, including stating that Christians shouldn’t have tattoos. Um, hello? I have one on my wrist, and its significance is based on the redemptive power of grace. My husband and I were re-teaching our children almost every time we left church. (And, yes, we did address this issue with the appropriate staff, but the teachers continued to teach behavior modification.)

It may come as a surprise to Pastor Kuykendall that people (yes, youth) can experience church outside of the building. I’m trying to teach my children that God can be found everywhere we look, and we have the opportunity to worship Him at any given moment. Who’s to say that school isn’t an opportunity to have church on a daily basis?

You make it easier to miss the next week, and then the next

It’s my guess that Pastor Kuykendall hasn’t missed church for any length of time. Every Sunday since August has been difficult. Yes, I eventually settled into a “new normal,” but don’t for a minute think that anything about leaving church after a lifetime has been easy.

You become susceptible to apathy and indifference

Again, I wonder if Pastor Kuykendall has actually experienced this. If anything, our absence from church has made me dig and search and question more than ever, rather than apathetically sitting in a pew week after week. Believe it or not, some of us actually prefer to use our brains.

You make it harder for others to bear the weight and burden of ministry

Do you hear the guilt trip in this statement? Please tell me you do. A few years ago, my husband and I offered our help with a particular private ministry with which we had experience. We were told we’d be called if we were needed. We never received a call. There’s no way I’ll believe others couldn’t have benefited from our help and experience in this area.

It is my experience that some churches prefer to use only a handful of people they can control in ministry. I know there are people sitting in the pews every Sunday that have been turned away from serving in ministry.

You miss opportunities to share your own struggles with the saints of God

Again, the guilt trip. And notice the phrase, “saints of God.” The implication is that those of us who aren’t attending church have somehow lost our sainthood.

I attended a ladies’ Bible study as I was struggling through questioning what I believe. When I finally gathered the courage to ask some of those questions, I was met with blank stares and avoidance. I was later asked if I attended the study in an effort to disrupt it. Ask me now how I feel about sharing my struggles with a ladies’ Bible study group.

The other implication with this statement is that those of us who are absent from church don’t have other “saints of God” in our lives with whom we can share our struggles. Again, that would be incorrect.

You cause unnecessary worry for your pastor, teacher, staff and leaders

Guilt and shame in one statement! Again, this is just my experience, and maybe this statement holds some validity for others.

My family left five months ago after a staff member met with me about all the reasons listed above in the singing/serving paragraph. I was told I should meet with this staff member’s boss so that he could “counter” my theology, an offer I promptly declined, although I did state that I’d be happy to meet with said minister just to talk.

Nearly four months passed before we received an email from our Sunday School teachers. We’ve still not heard from our children’s teachers, or any other staff leaders, ministers or the pastor. That doesn’t seem like “worry” to me.

I’d be neglectful if I didn’t say we have received a few messages from a handful of concerned friends. We’re thankful for those.

You miss out on altar invitations, life-changing decisions, and spiritual experiences

Seriously?! There’s a fear tactic if I’ve ever read one! I wonder if Pastor Kuykendall really believes Holy Spirit can’t move unless a member is present in the church building. It was a life-changing decision for my family to take a break from church. As a result of not attending church, my husband and I are gaining a greater understanding of our responsibility towards our children’s spiritual development. If anything, I’m finding more freedom and am more aware of opportunities for “spiritual experiences” now than I was sitting in the church pew every week thinking I was fulfilling my spiritual duty.

* * * * *

Before you completely discount me as divisive, know that I still believe in the Church.

I still believe (or at least hope) the intention of most churches is to love and serve and grow together.

I still believe the Church should be a sanctuary of healing for the broken and hurting.

I still believe the Church should be a place where people can disagree without being silenced or pushed aside.

I don’t know what church will look like for my family and me in the future. I don’t know if it will be in a home, in a coffee shop, in a cathedral, or on the street. I don’t know if worship will consist of liturgy or waving a flag or struggling through belief systems with a few people.

I do know this: I won’t go and stay in an environment where fear and shame and guilt are the motivating factors for attendance, much less life change. I’ve been the recipient of way too much of God’s grace and mercy, and I won’t trade them for a behavior plan.

I was given an opportunity last month to spend an evening with some ladies at a local church. They were kind to me, a stranger, and as I watched and listened to them, I could tell the bond between them was genuine and strong. They gave me hope. Hope for what I believe church should be. Hope for acceptance and love. Hope that the unconditional love of God and His kindness is all one needs to return to Him. Hope that grace and mercy will prevail.