My social-butterfly fifth grader scooted close to me on the couch, notebook and pencil in hand. She’s like me…loves words and all things artsy and creative. So, when she asked for help with her language homework, I was a little surprised. Language…words, their order, their definitions…come easily to her. Nevertheless, I began to help her put her vocabulary words in alphabetical order. Turns out, she didn’t really need my help; she was quite capable of doing it on her own. I asked her why she wanted help with her homework since she seemed to be doing just fine without it. Her honest answer: I can do it by myself; I’d just rather do it with somebody.
. . .
Six years ago, I went into isolation. I didn’t do it intentionally. I’d just survived a nasty mess of my own making, and slowly just withdrew from close relationships. As I reflect on that time, I realize I was scared of relationships. As I wrote last week, I’ve considered myself toxic for a long time, with six years ago perhaps being the worst. I was afraid of further injury to myself and to others. During that year, Mark and I managed to lose most of our friends.
Slowly, over the years, I’ve gained a very few close friends, but they’ve not been easily gained. I’ve fought my own desire to run and hide, to push people away, to remain isolated. However, God has given me friends who aren’t easily pushed away…who won’t let me go into hiding.
Isolation is easy. Sad and depressing…but easy. Relationships are difficult and messy. They require sacrifice, unconditional love, and lots of grace; however, they are worth the work.
Over the past year, I’ve been learning the difference between isolating my heart and guarding my heart. Isolating my heart makes me grow cold and indifferent and small…selfish. Guarding my heart makes me aware of others…their needs…my needs. I’m learning when to let the guard down to let someone in to expand the room in my heart.
So…when it comes to doing life, I’ll quote my wise daughter: I can do it by myself; I’d just rather do it with somebody.
