I’d been trying to find the right words for several days, keying notes into my phone when the right words came. The radio was on as I was driving to pick up one kid and drop off another. That’s when I heard Don Henley singing “Dirty Laundry,” and the thoughts all came together:

Dirty laundry. We love to hate it.

The truth is we all have dirty laundry. Some just might be a little dirtier than others. That’s when the gossip gets good, and words like should’ve and knew better and ought to get tossed around carelessly. After that, it no longer matters what the truth is because everybody’s got an opinion.

Christians have a way of talking about dirty laundry that seems a little less gossipy. In truth, it’s a lot more judgmental. You see, we go one step further by demanding accountability.

Accountable: subject to the obligation to report, explain or justify something; responsible; answerable

Oh, how we like the word accountability. It allows us to hold somebody to the letter of the law without seeming like we’re Pharisees. Then when one falls short of accountability, we delight in enforcing consequences.

Accountability and consequences may work for a little while, but they often don’t bring about lasting change. They are simply methods of treating symptoms, of wiping away the dirt. They don’t address the deeper issues hovering just beneath the surface.

Here’s the thing. We assume a whole lot about people and their dirty laundry. We likely never know the whole story, nor have we walked the same paths as others. We don’t get to judge one another for the woundings that lead us down different paths. We’re all on separate journeys.

Unhealed wounds often lead to cycles of dirty laundry. The healing and cleansing may not come all at one time. Instead, it may be a slow process of two steps forward, one step back.

Who are we to judge the way in which God chooses to work in and through dirty laundry?

Let’s assume I have friends who are stuck in destructive cycles that are slowly destroying their lives and the lives of those they love. Something led them to that state. I highly doubt they woke up one day and decided to cause such destruction. One choice led to another, and now they find themselves surrounded by dirty laundry since cycles are not easily broken. Instead of demanding accountability from them, then enforcing consequences every time they slip, I think there’s a better way: encouragement, support and positive reinforcement.

I know, I know…you can’t trust them now. They’ve slipped too many times. Maybe if you are directly affected by their actions, I can understand that. That’s when you should probably guard your heart. But I can guarantee that demanding explanations and answers, trying to control their actions and enforcing consequences with every failure will do little good. Being a loyal friend who offers a safe place where they feel the freedom to air their dirty laundry without fear of condemnation, then speaking encouraging reminders of their worth and value are more likely to result in the change you hope to see…a broken cycle.

Inevitably, we all end up with our own dirty laundry at some point. I guess my questions are these: how do you want to be treated when you’re the one with dirty laundry? Do you want to be offered grace and encouragement? Do you want friends to remind you of your worth and value? Do you want people to be patient with you? Do you want to be given another chance?

If you answered yes, be that kind of friend to others now…