The phone calls, texts, emails and messages have been coming in a little more frequently over the past few months. I can immediately tell where the conversation is headed when someone says, Can I ask you a question? They’ve figured out my story {I’ve never shared it online}, and they need to know how to help a friend in relationship crisis.
I used to rattle off a list of books, some Bible verses and some behavior modifications {also known as “sin management”}. I’d also include a few names or locations of counselors.
The more I’ve walked with people through these crises, I’ve realized they need much more than books, verses and lists. They need faithful friends. Friends who will love them at all costs. Friends who will crawl through the valley with them.
If you know someone in a relationship crisis, here are a few things you can do as a friend:
Listen. Let them talk. Let them cry. You don’t have to give advice. You don’t have to fix them. You simply need to be an available listening ear. They may say the same things a hundred times, but they need to be able to verbalize their thoughts. And for heaven’s sake, don’t get exasperated and say, You just need to let it go. When they’re ready, the anger and/or pain will diminish, but not until.
Encourage. Tell them they will survive. It sounds silly, and probably like a given, but they need to hear hope that their suffering will end. When they’re in the depths of the awfulness, it can feel unending.
Give grace. Remind them that God’s grace covers everything. There’s no need to point out wrongs…people already know when they’re wrong. Just reassure them that God wants them to live and walk in grace, that He’s not angry with them.
Be trustworthy. If your friend has taken the risk of confiding in you, you should be honored. Treat them with respect, and don’t gossip about their problems.
Love. Unconditionally love your friend. If they make a choice you don’t agree with, keep your words to a minimum, and just offer love. Remember, Love covers a multitude of sins.
Check on them. You can’t call or text too much. If they don’t want to talk, don’t be offended. It’s an emotional time. But by all means, let them know you’re available. Let them know you care. Just a simple How are you? can mean the world. It’s okay if they respond with Good or Fine to follow up with How are you, really? Sometimes they need to know you really are interested in how they’re doing.
Be honest. If you’re not sure how to be a good friend to them, say so. They’ll respect you for it. If you feel completely ill-equipped, ask if you can put them in touch with someone who’s been through a similar situation. Sometimes, they just need someone who can identify with what they’re going through.
Note: these are just lessons I’ve learned in walking through the dark valley of relationship crises with people over the past six years. I am no counselor. I know what I needed in a friend {but didn’t have} when I was experiencing my own crisis; and I’ve seen what helps others in their journeys.
