Since deciding last week to attend the songwriters’ conference later this week, I’ve been in a bit of a whirlwind. There’s a lot to do in preparation for attending, and to top it off, my go-to person for any and all things technical and/or music-related has been unavailable.

I spent Saturday morning at Starbucks with one of my two best friends as she whipped out cards and labels that would’ve taken me a week to design. I also had a phone conversation that went from bad to worse. I spent the evening trying to upload songs to a file {sounds easy, right?…thank God for my 13-year-old who knows more about technology than I do!} By Saturday night, I’d reached surpassed my stress limit.

I put on my running clothes and tennis shoes, grabbed a water, turned on my running play list, then headed out the door. I couldn’t get to the pavement quickly enough! I needed to pound out my frustration and aggression. I pushed myself harder than usual, all the while venting to God about a situation that’s bringing up those pesky feelings of abandonment. {If you haven’t figured it out from previous blog posts, God and I have some pretty intense conversations when I run. Ironic? I think not.}

At one point, I wasn’t really even talking to Him so much as to myself:

Lesson re-learned: trust no one.

As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I heard this sentence in the unmistakable way God speaks to me:

You can trust me.

I knew it was Him. That’s how He speaks to me. Quiet, gentle and clear, but deep in my spirit.

Honestly, it made me mad. That’s when I lost it:

No, I can’t! You always let things like this happen! Nothing’s changed. I can’t trust anybody…not even you!!

Again, He spoke. You can trust me.

This went on for the entire run. Him telling me that I could trust Him…me giving Him every reason why I can’t.

There’s something required of people who trust: letting go. Trust requires open hands in surrender to accept whatever comes. I’m not comfortable with that. Funny thing, though…it doesn’t matter whether I trust. I have no control over anything. What will happen will happen. It’s only a matter of whether I accept the circumstances and move on, or deny them and live in frustration.

Trust means letting go of fear, and I have a death grip on fear {or maybe it’s the other way around…}. I can only think of a few instances in my life when fear wasn’t a factor. The crazy thing about those times is that the only way I was able to let go of it was to face it, then give it to God.

I remember a particular project in college that absolutely overwhelmed me. It was one of the first times I can remember being determined to finish what I started. I shed many frustrated tears, but with the help of friends and family, I completed it. I faced the fear and left the outcome to God. And it turned out beautifully.

Ignoring fear leads to frustration, resentment, and a lack of trust. Facing fear leads to acceptance, peace and trust.

I have only one choice to make: allow fear to ride like a monkey on my back, or face it head on.

Once again, I hear His gentle voice: You can trust me.