I don’t understand why so many Christians live in fear. After all, the Bible says, “Perfect love casts out fear.” But here’s the thing: most Christians won’t call it fear. They’ll package it in Christianese to avoid admitting fear. They’ll call it guarding their hearts. They’ll call it holiness, or doing the right thing. They’ll call it protecting their minds from evil. Sometimes, they’ll even call it obedience. But those all translate to controlling fear.
My whole life was built on this fear, which created a negative mindset. We’re not born with negativity; it’s learned. I learned to fear non-Christians and Christians who weren’t Baptist and emotions and sex and certain types of music/movies (50 Shades, anyone?) and certain types of clothing and different opinions and, well, you get the idea. Basically, I learned to fear anything outside the walls of the church.
Ironically, the things I learned to fear most (and still struggle with) were inside the church walls. I learned to fear men and authenticity and authority and punishment and being wrong. I even learned to fear myself and my own voice because “the heart is desperately wicked” and can’t be trusted.
All of those fears led me to focus on everything that could go wrong if I allowed any of them into my life. I felt like a trapped animal, scared that one move in the wrong direction would lead to my death. It’s hard to be anything but negative under those circumstances.
I’m having to re-train my mind to learn to think positively. I’m also having to train myself to be more open-minded, which allows me to learn about the very things I fear. I’m having to learn to trust myself, my desires, my intuition, my common sense, my voice, and my heart. And I’m having to learn that it’s not the end of the world when I’m wrong. Contrary to what I learned in the church, some valuable lessons come from being wrong, making mistakes, and breaking rules.
I refuse to live in fear and negativity any longer. Sadly, it’s taken me leaving the one place in the world that should be free of fear to finally reach this point. Church, for me, was an environment of fear and negativity. I’m finally finding freedom and joy, but it’s in the shadow of the steeple instead of inside the church walls.
