Trust doesn’t come easily for me. I can’t remember a time when it did.
A little over a year ago, I started paying attention to a quote that began with the idea of forgiveness being free, followed by this: Trust is earned.
I’ve been on both sides of the trust coin. I’ve had to trust, and I’ve been the one to be trusted. My trust has been betrayed, and I’ve betrayed trust.
I’ve spent a lifetime thinking others had to earn my trust. I placed unfair and often unspoken expectations on others, wanting them to prove they had my best interest at heart. When those expectations weren’t met, I considered them a reason not to trust.
On the flip side, I spent six years under the weight of trying to earn trust. I felt the burden of always trying to prove myself trustworthy…to others, to myself and to God. There’s no freedom in living in that way.
So over the past year, every time I saw the quote, Trust is earned, something deep inside {call it intuition or Holy Spirit} told me that wasn’t accurate. I’m not sure why I felt it wasn’t accurate considering I’ve always believed it.
I’ve recently spent quite a bit of time contemplating my trust in God. Throughout my life, I expected Him to act in certain ways {usually in response to my good behavior}, and when He didn’t come through, I became angry and decided He wasn’t trustworthy. It was only when I experienced His grace during my bad behavior that I began to learn to trust Him. I began learning that I could trust God not because He meets my demands or expectations, but because I know His heart towards me is for my good. Old habits and legalistic mindsets die hard, so I’m still learning to trust Him.
Somehow, through grace, I’ve come to understand that trust is a choice, just as forgiveness is.
I’ve always thought trust is a two-way street: I won’t give you my trust unless you earn it. But much like grace, I’m seeing that trust can be granted regardless of whether a person meets my expectations or is deserving of it.
Whether I say it or not, when I act as though someone has to earn my trust, I am setting myself up to be hurt because my expectations aren’t going to be met 100% of the time. I am learning that it’s better to trust and hope for the best rather than placing my trust in whether or not someone meets my expectations. I am learning that my trust shouldn’t be dependent on someone else’s behavior. I should choose to believe the best of another, and when I am hurt or betrayed, I have to choose to trust again. It’s unfair to continually keep someone in bondage of having to prove themselves trustworthy. After a period of time, it’s less about their trustworthiness and more about my fear.
If I don’t trust, I live in fear of being hurt. I keep my guard up instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable. And vulnerability is the only way intimacy is formed and relationships grow.
Having been the one to try to prove myself trustworthy, I know what a heavy burden it is to constantly try to live up to and exceed someone else’s expectations. It’s exhausting.
When trust is granted, there’s freedom for both the giver and receiver.
When trust must be earned, both parties live in tension and expectation of the next failure.
Trust {much like grace} says, I know your heart. I know if you break my trust, it is either unintentional or because you are hurting. Either way, I choose to live in freedom and to allow you to live in freedom. I choose to trust.
