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I hate the phrase “Mean girls.” I know it gets a lot of attention. I know there’s a popular movie by that title, though I’ve never seen it. I’ve read articles that surface and re-surface on social media about how to know if you’re raising mean girls, where mean girls come from, what to do about mean girls. It all sticks in my craw.

Yes, girls can be mean. So can boys. And so can adults.

I’m guilty of saying it, but when your daughter has been called “mean,” you’ll rethink using the phrase “mean girls.”

It’s not okay to talk about children. And it’s not okay to teach our children to label others. For heaven’s sake, they’re kids.

Am I excusing bad behavior? No. But I’m not going to label a child either.

If kids behave in a mean way, there are usually reasons behind their actions: insecurity, fear, the lack of understanding their value and worth. Those are the same reasons grown ups behave in mean ways.

Children are precious gifts to the world. Do they always act precious? I have three, and I can tell you with certainty that they do not.

As adults, we have enough to worry about just by raising our girls in a world where they are undervalued and sexualized at an early age. So instead of tearing down girls and labeling them as mean, let’s look for ways to encourage self worth, courage and friendship. Heck, let’s be examples.

I’m not naive enough to believe kids don’t sometimes act in mean and bullying ways. And in those times, appropriate correction is important.

However…

Let’s define what mean-spirited, bullying behavior is: when someone uses superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants. Just to be clear, mean, bullying behavior is unacceptable. It’s abhorrent that bullying can lead to suicide. 

But not every incident should be labeled as mean or bullying.

If my daughters get their feelings hurt during an argument, or they get left out of an event, we are not going to label the other child(ren) as a bully or mean.

While I love and use social media, I think it has made us sensitive to being left out. We see pictures of friends and wonder why we weren’t invited to that dinner, that party, that outing. And we’ve passed along that sensitivity to our girls.

But as children grow older, they will inevitably choose their own friends. Yes, they should be kind to everyone, but they’re not all going to be best buddies. If you think I’m being ridiculous, look at your own group of friends. Do you invite every mom you know to go to dinner with you? Doubtful. You probably invite those with whom you have the most in common and enjoy being around.

Let’s allow our girls room to grow and teach them to make healthy decisions about relationships. Let’s be sure not to teach them to be co-dependent doormats just so they won’t get labeled as mean.

If it’s true that we have the power to speak life and death into one another’s lives, why are we not speaking life into our girls? We need to speak life into their hopes and dreams, their character, and their worth. And we need not only do it for our own girls, but for others as well. And when correction is needed, we need to do it in a way that’s not tearing down or labeling our girls. As adults, we have the opportunity to teach our girls to build up one another.

Can we please stop labeling girls as mean, and instead, call out, remind them of, and encourage their good qualities?