Yesterday morning, I ran my first hot, pollen-filled-air run of the season. Recently, Mark and I have been running together, but I knew if I wanted to run yesterday, I’d have to do it alone in the morning. There wasn’t going to be any time in the evening due to the kids’ activities.
We normally time ourselves and map our mileage. You know…always striving to run more miles, and faster. Since I ran alone yesterday, I decided to skip turning on the mileage/timing app. I ran for pleasure. No pressure to be as fast as I could. No pressure to keep up with anyone. No pressure if I wanted to stop and walk. No pressure if I didn’t want to run as many miles as usual.
It was the first really enjoyable run I’ve had in a while. I wasn’t competing with myself, or anyone else. I ran simply because I wanted to feel the pleasure of running.
It was a warm, beautiful morning, with the sun glaring down on me. Due to thick pollen, everything had a yellow tint. By the end of my run, I was a pollen-mixed-with-sweat, filthy mess. When I got back home and walked in the door, my daughter was quick to let me know I needed a shower: Mom, you stink! I knew I did, but I didn’t care. I’d just had a great, pressure-free run.
I needed that run….the reminder that running is indeed fun. Today, I’ll probably turn on the app, and compete with myself again. I’ll try to better my time and my mileage.
As I considered my run, I thought about how I live my life in much the same way. I’m always competing with myself, trying to better myself. I compare where I am now with where I was six months ago, or five years ago. I keep a mental checklist of what I think I should or shouldn’t do. I compare how much I sin now with how much I sinned a year ago, or ten years ago. I am constantly aware of how much I “stink” and that I need to clean up, and make myself presentable. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to learn how to perfectly live the Christian life. I even have a Bible app that keeps up with whether I’ve done my daily Bible reading.
Grrr…
I’m feeling like I’m in a hamster wheel. Trying, trying, trying…getting nowhere. Over the last three and a half months, I’ve been seeing glimpses of what it means to quit trying so hard, to stop trying to live the “Christian” life, to turn off the mental checklist. I’m seeing people who just live life. They rest in Christ, knowing that He lives in and through them. They live in freedom, and find pleasure in life…being the hands and feet of Jesus…not because they’re trying, or because they’re marking off a checklist. He just flows through them because they rest in Him.
It almost seems impossible to me.
I’m reading a book by a person who made it off the hamster wheel–Divine Nobodies: Shedding Religion To Find God by Jim Palmer. I’d almost swear the guy has been in my head. It’s eerie how much of what he says about his life is true for my own…from abandonment issues right up to being disgusted with the religious checklists. And I think–if he found rest and pleasure in life and in being who God created him to be, maybe I can too.
