It’s no secret around here that my faith is more like failing, and my questions far outweigh my answers. I’ve not completely given up, but I when read about faith and dreams and promises these days, my mind wanders to doubt instead of hope. I want to comment on blogs and reply to tweets and respond to cute, little Facebook quotes, “That’s sounds great, but where’s the proof, people? I want proof!”

I’ve even investigated atheism, in particular, wondering what led those who were once Christians to no longer believe. {Don’t leave a comment saying they never truly believed. I’ve researched too much to know that’s a lie.} Maybe I’m oversimplifying here, but faith {or the lack of} seems to boil down to choosing what you want to believe.

I’ve written before about old Sarah’s laughter. I don’t know why, but I think about her a lot lately. I’ve read her story countless times, although my focus is usually on Abraham. I couldn’t remember if she was counted among the faithful, so I looked, and yep, there she was, listed among the best of the best in Hebrews 11. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

Sarah went along with her husband’s scheming lies to pretend she was his sister in order to protect himself {not once, but twice}. Further, instead of trusting that God would fulfill the promise of a son through her, she convinced her husband to have sex with her maid. Then, when the maid got pregnant, she hated her and mistreated her. Even after all that, God promised Abraham that ancient Sarah would give birth to a son. Then, when the Lord reiterated the promise to Abraham, and Sarah heard him as she eavesdropped in the tent, she laughed. The Hebrew word for laugh in this instance means scorn or mock. Sarah mocked the Lord. As if that weren’t bad enough, when the Lord asked Abraham why she laughed, Sarah lied and said she didn’t. Later, after the promise was finally fulfilled, Sarah in her bitterness, sent away her maid and the illegitimate son, the one born by her own suggestion.

If I were going to put Sarah in a list, I’d line her up among the liars, cheaters, schemers, mockers, and abusers, not among the faithful. Yet Hebrews 11:11 says, “By faith even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised” {NASB}. What?! By faith? She considered God faithful? Excuse me, but that list of wrongs in the last paragraph doesn’t show much faith in my opinion.

I’ve long known the verse that says, “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap” {Gal. 6:7}. Many people use that verse as a fear tactic to support behavior modification. But based on Sarah’s story, I wonder if it means something different. The following verse says, “For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life.” Sarah obviously believed in God, so much that she heard his voice and laughed at Him. But I’m not sure she always believed God’s promise, thus her mockery of Him.

If Sarah didn’t believe God and mocked Him, why then was he faithful to her? Shouldn’t she have reaped what she sowed? And why did she get the credit for His faithfulness?

Seems to me that Sarah had a wavering faith at best. But maybe that was enough.

Maybe it’s like this: “Go ahead and mock me, Sarah, but you will see that I am faithful. Your mockery will not hold up against my promise.”

I wonder if “sow(ing) to the Spirit” means it’s okay to struggle . . . it’s okay to ask the questions we’re not supposed to ask. After all, that means we’re still searching among the mysteries of God.

I’ve not completely given up to the point of ignoring God, i.e. “sowing to (my) own flesh.” While I’ve mocked Him in frustration and disappointment more times than I can count and I doubt more than I believe, I wonder if he won’t count me among the faithful simply because I want to believe . . . I want to experience His faithfulness.

Go ahead. Ask the questions Christians aren’t supposed to ask. If your faith is failing, like mine, what do you have to lose? Maybe in the process we’ll end up like Sarah, gaining credit for the faithfulness of God in our lives.