Is it possible for a heart to be full and to be breaking at the same time? It has to be because that’s the only way I can describe mine right now.

I’ve mentioned several times that my One Word for 2013 is change. So much has changed. So much is still changing.

My heart is full tonight because there are changes taking place that have been a long time coming. While I can’t see the end results of these changes, for the first time in a long time, I have hope. Hope for cycles to be broken. Hope for restoration. Hope for the future. There’s a glimmer of light in the long shadows of darkness.

On the other hand, my heart is breaking too because of changes. Changes that seem to include loss…of relationships, of dreams, of hope. Changes with which I’ve yet to come to terms. Changes that send tears streaming down my face even as I write about them.

I’ve been sensing changes within myself for several months, including healing from years of wounds…some from outside sources, and some self-inflicted. I’ve sensed God working in areas where I’d long kept Him at a distance.

I feel as though I’m on the edge of a cliff again, but this time I’ll be flying instead of falling. I’m not sure which is scarier. Sure, falling is frightening and hurts like hell. But I’ve been there…and I know what it feels like. I have no idea what it feels like to fly. The future looms large and uncertain. And it’s looking nothing like I’d planned or even wanted.

Somehow, my heart is certain that God is working all these things together for my good. That’s easy to admit when I’m considering all the changes that appear hopeful. But it’s difficult to admit when I’m considering the changes that are breaking my heart. I’ll be quick to admit that I want everything my way, and even pray that my desires and His might have common ground…because despite all the changes and uncertainty, I know this one thing: He loves me and knows the desires of my heart.

I wonder how a heart can handle such hope and such sorrow at the same time. The only answer that settles my heart between the two extremes is trust. Trust that God knows what He is doing. Trust that when He whispered change to my heart eight months ago that He had the future in His hands.