There’s a church a few miles from where I live that has intrigued me over the past few years with its weekly message titles posted on its sign. That church sign has inspired a blog post or two.

Over the past eleven months, even the word church has provoked much anxiety in me. Still, there’d be times when I’d drive past that church sign, and the words I read would bring comfort.

A friend who has been through similar hurtful church experiences as me started attending the church with the sign a while back. That church is a denomination that his family, like mine, had never attended. But they fell in love with the grace offered there, and he’s encouraged me many times to at least listen to one of the sermons. I never did. I just couldn’t.

But then in May I heard something about the church that intrigued me even more than their sign: they were getting a female pastor. {I can hear the collective Gasp!}

The whole patriarchal mindset of the conservative, evangelical churches I’ve always attended has become somewhat of a trigger for me. The male authority figures demanding unquestioning obedience to themselves in the name of God causes me to cringe. It’s as though I’ve had to become deaf to these male leaders; otherwise, they taint and tarnish my concept of God.

Last week I messaged my friend and asked what he thought about the new, female pastor. I knew he had loved the former male pastor, so I wanted his opinion on the change. He quickly replied that his family loved her and that she was amazing.

Mark and I decided on Saturday we’d try the church with the sign and the female pastor. On Sunday morning, the family got dressed and drove to church. Surprisingly, I felt very little anxiety until we pulled in the parking lot. I suddenly started wondering if we’d made a mistake. Maybe I wasn’t ready to brave church again.

But as we walked inside, my nerves settled as people began to smile and speak. Before we even had a chance to sit down on the back row, the pastor spoke to us. She had no idea we were first-time visitors since she’s only been there a few weeks and still learning the congregation, and we didn’t tell her. I think I was mostly shocked that she was actually walking around the church and speaking to people instead of sitting on the front row waiting for the service to begin.

I digress.

While I only knew one of the songs, they all moved me deeply. It was as though this very church had been reading my blog over the past week or two. The songs and the message were all centered around letting go . . . specifically, letting go to follow Jesus. God is not so subtle in the way he speaks, is he? Perhaps he speaks through the gentle voice of a female pastor. Who knew?! {Sarcasm noted and intended.}

There’s something within me that feels ashamed because I can no longer handle the message of conservative evangelicals . . . like I should be able to handle the oppressive messages. But I’ve learned over the past few years that God speaks to my tender, sensitive heart in tender, sensitive ways. And yesterday’s message was full of Grace. There was no condemnation, no subtle shaming, no behavior modification plans. Just a grace-filled invitation to boldly let go of everything we cling to and follow Jesus.

Surprisingly, there were no tears yesterday. In fact, I dare say I felt joy when we left the church with the sign and the female pastor. Even more surprising, there’s a hint of longing to visit again.