I’ve been reading the book of Numbers. If you’ve read it, you know parts of it are oh-so-boring.

But then, there’s chapter twenty.

I knew it was coming. I’ve read it many times before. I’ve heard the story a gazillion times since birth. However, I had a complete melt-down over it this morning.

Way back in the beginning of Exodus, Moses whined and complained about his poor public speaking skills. As a result, God told Moses that his brother, Aaron, shall be as a mouth for you, and you shall be as God to him. (4:16) I don’t know about y’all, but if I had been Aaron, I likely would’ve had a problem with that solution. However, Aaron immediately jumped on-board, and began speaking for Moses.

Fast forward through plagues, a mass exodus from slavery, idol construction, umpteen-bajillion laws to follow, freed slaves constantly complaining about the conditions of their freedom, God’s anger repeatedly burning against His people, tabernacle construction, and wilderness wandering {and those are only a few of the highlights} to Numbers 20.

Once again, the people are complaining. This time, there’s no water, and they’re whining about how they would’ve been better off remaining as slaves in Egpyt than to have been escorted into the wilderness to die. Moses and Aaron seek God for a solution. He tells them to assemble the people, then speak to the rock as they watch. Water would flow from the rock. Instead of speaking to the rock as God instructs, Moses speaks in anger to the crowd, and strikes the rock twice with his rod. Still, water pours out.

Immediately, God tells Moses and Aaron that they will not lead the people into the promised land because they didn’t believe Him and treat Him as holy in the sight of the people.

Then, at the end of the chapter, God tells Moses:

Aaron will be gathered to his people; for he shall not enter the land which I have given to the sons of Israel, because you rebelled against My command at the waters of Meribah. Take Aaron and his son Eleazar and bring them up to Mount Hor; and strip Aaron of his garments and put them on his son Eleazar. So Aaron will be gathered to his people, and will die there. (24-26, NASB)

And that’s exactly what happened.

Y’all, it made me mad and sad at the same time. Tears came out of nowhere! And I just had to ask, Really, God, if you were going to kill off Aaron without letting him enter the promised land, why not do it way back when he constructed an idol for the people? And why over something that seemed to be more Moses’ fault than Aaron’s? Could Aaron have stopped Moses? After all, wasn’t Moses “as God” to him?

I don’t have answers. There’s no pretty bow to wrap up this post. I’m just sad for Aaron, and trying to somewhat comprehend God’s choice of punishment. It seems so harsh to me.

My mind instantly explodes with this: Who am I to question God, or His choice of punishment? But I wonder if He doesn’t long for us to question Him, to ask Him difficult questions, to seek to understand Him better. So I’ll wait in hope that He’ll reveal answers to me. I won’t cling so tightly to my opinion that Aaron’s punishment was harsh; I’ll open my fist a little bit with hope that He’ll replace my opinion with some understanding.