I’ve noticed changes over the last couple of weeks. Without effort, I’m suddenly becoming who I always wanted to be. I don’t mean that I’m becoming something, like a singer or a writer or a runner. Sure, I do those things, but those are not who I am. I am becoming me.

A few weeks ago, I allowed myself to admit that I want to believe in God, but that I can’t quite believe. Not for now anyway. So I made a decision to quit thinking about and living for and praying to and questioning God. I decided I’d just live without focusing on him, and see what happened. I’ve been shocked to find myself feeling freedom. I’m not talking about the kind of freedom that Christians warn everybody about — run out and live like a hellion. Nope. Instead, I feel free to be authentically me. And I’m liking me.

This is a bit of what becoming me looks like:

I have more energy than I’ve ever had, which is possibly due to my recent hysterectomy and increased physical activity.

The walls I erected seems to be crumbling, and I notice that I talk to strangers more frequently and effortlessly.

Laughter comes easy and often.

Lyrics and melodies sometimes tumble from my lips and my fingers unexpectedly.

I no longer feel the expectation to be a good, church lady. {That is most freeing feeling of all!} And the irritation I’ve held towards those church folks who shunned me seems to be dissipating.

Hope is making a reappearance in my life . . . hope that even though life hasn’t turned out like I wanted or expected, it’s still good.

All this leads me to believe that even my current state of unbelief is grace. Somehow, grace is grace even when we don’t desire it or ask for it. In fact, maybe the ocean waves of grace grow bigger and more powerful when we’re not looking for or wanting to swim in them. Maybe grace pounds the shore until all we can do is stand in awe. Maybe once we quit fighting and struggling and trying to ride its waves, its ferocious waves lap at our feet until we’re in over our heads, turning us into who we were always meant to be.