I’ve discovered a little something about relationships: whether they’re good or not-so-good, they teach us how to save ourselves. When I say we can save ourselves, I mean we can, for the most part, excluding depression and illnesses, determine our emotional health and well-being. We can learn what it takes for us to feel peace and pleasure. We have the ability to journey through the world with ourselves in tact. Relationships are helpful in determining how best to go about saving ourselves.

Unless you’re a hermit, you, like me and most everybody else in the world, are in relationships with multiple people: family members, co-workers, friends, creative collaborators. Some we choose, some we endure, some we try to escape, and some, well, are all three. They all have something to teach us about saving ourselves if we’re willing to learn.

I am in relationships with a few people who know me quite well, which is to say they know the good, the bad, and the ugly. These are the folks who speak truth into my life and follow it up by saying, “What do you think about that?” or “What are you going to do about that situation?” They see the best in me and love me no matter what. They inspire me to be my best self, which is a way of saving myself from my worst self. They teach me love and forgiveness by example, and what better way to save myself from bitterness and misery than to love and forgive others?

Of course, I’ve had relationships that have taught me how to save myself out of necessity. We all know someone who has taught us to protect ourselves. There are people I see on occasion, and I’ve learned the hard way to keep my conversations at a surface level when around them. I used to be annoyed by chit-chat and wouldn’t engage, but I’ve learned it’s a way to be kind while protecting myself from those who thrive on gossip or drama. Sometimes, stronger situations require stronger action, such as saving ourselves by completely exiting relationships, and that’s okay, too, because we have to save ourselves before we can be useful to anyone else.

Then, there are the relationships that may only last a season, yet they teach us the most about saving ourselves. At a time when I’d quit believing in myself, I met a person who quickly became a friend/mentor and who showed me my potential. This person was a bit like a farmer, planting a seed, tending to it, watching it grow. During that time, I began to learn to trust my abilities and cultivate them. Eventually, like every good farmer, my mentor moved on to the next crop. That’s when I realized I’d become dependent on the direction and encouragement I gained in that relationship. I stalled for a while, but my friend had taught me how to save myself by believing in myself. Now, I can stand on my own two feet, and when I start to doubt and think I’m not capable, I dig deep and trust that I can be my own salvation.

I’m learning that relationships teach us more about ourselves than about other people. More importantly, I’m learning how saving ourselves is good for the people in relationships with us. When we take time to do what we love (which, for me, is to create, to listen to music, to engage in stimulating conversations, to read) we save ourselves, and therefore, are more pleasant to be around. When we distance ourselves from turbulent relationships, we save ourselves and are more peaceful people.