(Catch up on the series here.)

When you play the role of victim, you won’t accept the responsibility of changing.

On their way home, the brothers stopped for the night, and as one of them opened his bag to get food for his donkey, he saw that his money had been returned. He told his brothers, and they were immediately afraid. They said, What’s God doing to us?

When they arrived home, they told Jacob everything that had happened in Egypt, including how they had to leave Simeon behind as a hostage until they returned with Benjamin. Then, as they were emptying their bags of food, they found that all of their money had been returned. All of them, including Jacob, were upset.

Jacob began to whine that his sons had taken everything from him. He complained that they had taken Joseph and Simeon from him, and now they wanted Benjamin.

Reuben spoke up: “I’ll put my two sons in your hands as hostages. If I don’t bring Benjamin back, you can kill them. Trust me with Benjamin; I’ll bring him back.” 

But Jacob refused. “My son will not go down with you. His brother is dead and he is all I have left. If something bad happens to him on the road, you’ll put my gray, sorrowing head in the grave.” (42:37-38, MSG)

*****

Notice how the brothers immediately blamed God when one of them found his money had been returned. I suspect their guilty consciences about what they’d done to Joseph over two decades earlier was the reason they believed God was causing their trouble. Perhaps they’d been awaiting his wrath and justice all those years and believed it had come to fruition.

Can you imagine the atmosphere of chaos and dread in their home when they discovered all their money had been returned? Even Jacob was alarmed.

Then, in typical Jacob fashion, he began to blame his sons for all the trouble in his home. I’m betting his little speech about how they had taken everything from him and how he was going to be left with nothing if they took Benjamin was accompanied by tears. Jacob took the opportunity to place more guilt on his sons’ shoulders instead of taking any responsibility for the breakdown of his family.

Trying to calm and placate his father, Reuben offered up his own sons as a sacrifice if they didn’t return with Benjamin. But Jacob wouldn’t hear of it. He probably could’ve won an award for playing the role of the victim as he bitterly blamed his sons for Joseph’s death. He even went so far as to claim that Benjamin was the only thing he had left, and if he lost him, he would die. Imagine how worthless his sons felt during that little speech! Their own father didn’t even acknowledge their existence other than to blame them for his pitiful life.

*****

This scene is a classic example of what goes on in the home of a narcissistic family. There are secrets and lies and guilt a-plenty. The person who originally caused all the trouble—the narcissist—plays the victim. It’s typical for the victim to claim that the person(s) he is angry with will ultimately cause him to die, whether, for example, by grief or heart attack or his own suicide attempt. The narcissist prefers to place blame and guilt rather than accept responsibility for his part in the trouble.

It’s also normal in these families for at least one person to lay everything on the line in order to calm the person playing the victim. Children in these families will do almost anything to keep from being the target of the narcissistic parent’s wrath. These children have to ignore their own emotions and needs in order to placate the narcissist. That, layered with guilt when they’ve actually done something wrong, is a recipe for disaster. It’s no wonder these children think God is angry with them and planning to inflict revenge on them.

It’s also common for children who are selected as Scapegoats to be treated as worthless while the Golden Child is treated with favoritism. This creates division and hostility among siblings that can cycle through generations.

Soon, though, we’ll see how redemption can occur in this type of family when one person decides to break the cycle, whether or not the narcissist ever changes.