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I started not to post today. This 31 Days of Showing Up is turning out to be more difficult than I expected in that my writing is more vulnerable than I’d anticipated. And, somehow, vulnerability is a bit like childbirth — I always forget the pain it causes until I’m in the throes of it. Because the hurt has been pretty intense the last few days, I thought I might just skip today. But my cheerleading friend encouraged me to finish what I started — to write for myself and for those who need to read my bleeding heart. Therefore, I give you day 7 and all the words I wanted to withhold:

I kept the number for six months before I ever dialed it. I finally steeled my nerves and called. By the time I pressed “End,” I’d been strong too long, and the tears came. It was the third time I’d taken that first step.

I’m meeting with a highly-recommended therapist on Friday for our first session. It’s been a little over a year since the last time I went to counseling.

I wasn’t sure how to delicately phrase my question during our brief phone conversation, so I put it bluntly: “I don’t want to be prayed over during my counseling sessions.” She seemed somewhat surprised I’d experienced that, and assured me in all her years as a therapist, she’d never prayed with a client during a session.

In a sentence, I told her about the last two — how they are Christian counselors — and that I need something different this time. I need practical help, not a list of Bible verses to meditate on or prayers to pray or group Bible studies to attend or prophecy from a traveling, um, well, prophet.

If the wounds could’ve been prayed away, given away to Jesus, studied away, prophesied away, or forgiven away, they would’ve been healed by now because I’ve tried them all, repeatedly.

I need to know how to get off the crazy train. I need real-world, non-Christianese steps to freedom. I’m no longer willing to travel the highly-populated path of numbing, patching the wounds with a Sunday-School band-aid, and pretending to be okay. I’m heading in for help before the train wrecks.