My oldest and I were driving home from gymnastics this evening, talking about what a big week we have ahead. She’s trying out for cheerleader, and I’m running my first half marathon. We were talking about how far 13.1 miles is, and she asked if I was nervous. I replied with, No, I’m determined. {Truth is…I’m nervous.} She  talked about how she’s a little nervous about cheer tryouts, then she switched back to talking about my running. I told her how badly I want the medal I’ll receive at the end of the course. Then she said something that totally threw me for a loop:

I hope you make it to the end. I want you to succeed at something. I mean, you succeed at cleaning house, but that’s boring.

Talk about knocking the wind out of my sails! And here I thought I was succeeding at being a good mom, a role model for my girls, a pretty consistent blogger…

But apparently, in her opinion, I’m not whatever it takes to be successful. Of course, I’ve secretly thought this of myself plenty of times; but, I’ve always extinguished that idea with, I’m a good mom…and I’m doing everything possible to make sure! I’m not a great or popular blogger, but I’m pretty consistent and write what’s on my heart. 

Honestly, there are times when I wish more “success” for myself, but I always come back to this: I’m not up for the schmoozing, sweet talking, and networking it seems to take to become a worldly success. And even the grace God has worked into my heart and mind seems to offend my Christian brothers and sisters. Nope, I’m not a success. And I’d pretty much decided to be okay with that. Until tonight.

Now all those doubts about myself and my abilities as a mom {who am I kidding….as a person} are all stirred up again. Because I want my children to think I’m successful. What mom doesn’t? And I’m thinking, What can I do so my girls will see me as successful? Maybe I need to get a job. I need some special skill or talent. And I’m racking my brain to think of something at which I can be successful…at which they will think I’m successful.

I don’t have answers tonight. I know what I should be thinking: God has given me the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom…to be available 24 hours a day to love and teach my children. But tonight, that just doesn’t seem to be enough. Tonight, I want my girls to think of me as successful…