Change is happening again. I’m living in what is constant: change.

What’s been so unsettling over the past five years is that the thing that keeps changing in my life is the balance of friends. I can count on one hand the number of people now in my life that were there five years ago. {I take the blame for that.} Two weeks ago, I would’ve said I’m finally developing new, real friendships again. But maybe not. And I’m pondering the why.

Here’s what I’m processing:

The more I let go of rules and traditions, and

the more I attempt to loosen the masks, and

the more I want to be real, to be who God created me to be (instead of fitting a mold),

the more the rule-and-tradition-keeping, mask wearing, too-scared-to-be-real people run from me.

I pursue, only to be rejected. So I quit pursuing.

The interesting and ironic part of it all is this:

I now find myself more comfortable among those I formerly would’ve condemned. I’m comfortable with people who love Jesus, yet don’t want to keep rules and traditions. I’m comfortable with people who don’t love Jesus and don’t even care about rules and traditions. I feel the freedom among these people to be me…a mess who loves Jesus and knows that Jesus loves me. A mess who knows that no amount of rule keeping or rule breaking will make Him love me any more or any less.

As much as I want to be comfortable with rule-and-tradition-keeping, mask wearing, too-scared-to-be-real people, I’m not. And I wonder if there’s a balance to be found. I wonder if my desire for them to experience and live in grace and to be authentic and transparent outweighs my desire to accept them as they are.

I wonder if the soul stirrings of constant change will ever settle into a rhythm and balance of people and friendships…