A little over a year ago, a friend gave me a book that changed how I thought about life: Waking The Dead by John Eldredge. I highlighted and marked almost every page. I’ve referred back to it often over the past year.
I decided to re-read the book this week while on vacation. There’s no place I feel more alive and aware of God’s presence than at the beach, so I thought reading the book in that sacred place would help renew my recent downcast perspective on life.
The first few pages alone whisper I know where you are in life and what you’re going through, and I respond with Tell me more.
After a while, the accumulation of event after event that we do not like and do not understand erodes our confidence that we are part of something grand and good, and reduces us to a survivalist mind-set. (chapter 1)
Yes. This is where I am…where I’ve spent most of my life. Surviving…one blow after another. Waiting for the next disappointment. And the Evil One usually delivers…because he wants me in survival mode. When I’m surviving, I’m simply reacting to uncontrollable circumstances, fighting for life. I’m not overcoming that which would defeat me.
Overcomer. That word has been floating around in my brain for a few weeks. I first started thinking about it back when I wrote about Jacob wrestling with God, and how he changed his name to mean Overcomer. Since then, I see and hear that word almost daily.
My online dictionary defines overcomer as:
1. to get the better of in a struggle or conflict; conquer; defeat: to overcome the enemy
2. to prevail over (opposition, a debility, temptations, etc.); surmount: to overcome one’s weaknesses.
I have no doubt that an overcomer is a survivor. But remaining in survival mode would mean that one is in constant struggle or conflict. Overcoming means that the conflict or struggle has ended.
Even as I write, I try to pinpoint my struggle. I know it has something to do with the feelings of abandonment I’ve felt from an early age. I know this because that’s the area where I struggle so much and so often find myself reacting. It’s where the Enemy attacks most viciously. It’s the area where he wants to destroy me…to keep me from trusting anyone.
What I don’t know is how to overcome that struggle…how to conquer it. I know the Sunday School answer is that God’s grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. And I believe that. But I’m having a difficult time seeing it played out in my day-to-day life. It seems that with every small victory comes an even bigger battle. And it’s a battle for my heart and mind…to believe that God is good, to trust that people don’t intentionally hurt one another, to know my value and worth.
Today I’m surviving. I’m looking for light in the darkness. I’m fighting to see some good. And I’m waiting…for the day when I am an overcomer.
