I started writing this blog as a way to get past the surface…in my own life and in the lives of others. I wanted to share my experiences and the way I saw God through and in life and creation. I wanted to dig deeper to the truth of my own heart, and in the process, encourage others to do the same.
I had no idea I’d ever be where I am now.
A couple of months ago someone said to me, We can tell you are questioning your faith. At the time I wasn’t. Or I thought I wasn’t. I was certainly questioning my long-held beliefs and why I believed them. But I wasn’t questioning my faith in God. However, maybe her comment was prophetic in a way.
There is a wrestling match in my soul every day. My faith is shot. I want to deny that God exists, but without even thinking, I’ll find myself talking to Him. I want nothing to do with God, yet the core of who I am mocks me for thinking I can live that way.
I clung to grace in the midst of family strife, believing grace would eventually overcome all the issues.
My refusal to silence my belief and hope in scandalous grace is the very reason I had to walk away from church when the line was drawn in the sand.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve slowly let go of my grasp on grace. I stand here empty handed, filled with hurt and anger, probably on the brink of bitterness. And the times I talk to Him, I question: I held on to all that grace for what, God?
You see, I have a hard time trusting the same God as those who would rather toss me aside than take the time to love me. I have a hard time believing God when the self-righteous claim belief in the same God. I have a hard time putting faith in the same God as those who tell me to forgive and move on, instead of allowing me time to work through and heal from years and years of heartache.
So, yeah, maybe that person was right: I’m questioning my faith. And maybe some of you saw it before I did. Or maybe I just didn’t want to let myself believe it.
Whatever the case, the truth of my heart today is that it aches. I have no encouraging words to share. And I can’t point anyone towards faith in God.
The truth of my heart is that I won’t pretend to be super-spiritual. The truth of my heart is that my faith is shot, and I can no longer find a trace of grace to offer.
If I could, I would be your friend.
Ellen
Ellen, that sentence alone is priceless to me. Thank you.
Oh Rebekah, dearest Rebekah! I don’t think anyone can tell you if you have faith or if you don’t. It is an issue that ultimately only you and God can see and know, together. Ultimately, no one knows what dwells within the human heart, but God. We have clues, yes, but only God knows definitely. We can look for “fruit,” but even then, the Pharisees did good works, but denied Christ. Jesus will tell others who called Him “Lord, Lord” and did many good works in this life to depart from Him in the Last Day, because He never knew them. So “works” detection is not a foolproof method for knowing if someone is saved. Paul does tell us in 2 Cor. 13:5 to examine ourselves to see if we are in the faith. So it’s appropriate to do so. This you do before God and not man (in the sense of asking this in the deepest place in your heart. I am not implying that to share your wrestlings with your blogging public is wrong whatever, because it helps us to examine ourselves, as well). Again, I cannot ultimately know what is in your heart or if God has placed faith there (because faith is always a gift from Him), but it seems to me that He has graciously bestowed this gift to you. It is natural from time to time to question it, and to wrestle with God, Himself, in the sense of honestly trying to understand something. This is not wrong, and there are many Biblical examples to underscore that. God welcomes our honest wresting, and He desires our authenticity and honesty. Other Christians should not shy away from wrestling personally or discourage others’ wrestling. And I’m glad that you questioned long-held beliefs. Sometimes, they need to be questioned, because they are wrong. Sometimes, we simply have been taught erroneous things about Scripture. We have accepted these teachings (and often man-made traditions), because they have been presented by religious authorities, and we would have thought we had no reason to question them. (A case in point for me, personally, is when my spiritual world was turned upside down when I learned about the Reformed view of faith and also eschatology. I hold completely different viewpoints now than from what I was originally taught). So one needs to be careful not to conflate losing faith with losing faith in certain tenets of faith that s/he simply accepted as truth at one time. I don’t sense that that is what you are saying, but I thought it was worth mentioning. The thing is, Rebekah, you can’t lose your “grasp on grace.” The truth is that if the God of all grace grasps you, then He will never let you go. We don’t seek grace or faith or God unless He first has sought us, unless He has regenerated and quickened our heart to believe in Him. So if you know Him, you’ve known grace. If you have believed in Him, then you have received His gift of faith, a gift, the likes of which, He will never renege. You can’t lose your faith or Him. I am so, so sorry for all the grief, suffering, and disappointments that you have endured. Unfortunately, people sin, including Christians, and you have been touched and hurt by their sin. And I think, when we are sinned against by Christians, the pain runs particularly deep, because we expect better from them. We expect (and should) for them to treat us with Christ’s love, compassion, and tenderness. I think, too, when we don’t experience this, instead of blaming them, we sometimes blame God (and because we believe in Him, this is logical…..we understand that He is sovereign and could have stopped the pain). But it’s also good to realize that what He allows, painful though it may be, He is working together for His higher purposes for our good, in ways that we can’t always initially comprehend. (And I am not just cavalierly paraphrasing Romans 8:28 for you–it’s solid, Biblical truth). God will use all of this in your life, Rebekah, in a way that ultimately benefits you and draws you closer to Him. And He will use what you have experienced to allow you the privilege of comforting others. When you ask: “I held on to all that grace for what, God?” I don’t presume to know all the “for whats,” but the Lord does, and He will show you. You also said this, “I have a hard time trusting the same God as those who would rather toss me aside than take the time to love me. I have a hard time believing God when the self-righteous claim belief in the same God. I have a hard time putting faith in the same God as those who tell me to forgive and move on, instead of allowing me time to work through and heal from years and years of heartache.” Please hear me from a heart of love and not criticism, Rebekah (and I think you know my heart of care for you well enough now over the past year to know I’m being sincere). What you have just said is not beeing able to trust the same God as all these people who have sinned against you. Your concerns are ultimately against them and not Him, not just in reality, but in the way you have expressed yourself. What you have said here has nothing to do with God or His character, but it is directed at those who have hurt you, presuming that you and they believe in the same God or that God accepts the way they are representing Him. I have no idea who these people are and whether or not they are really Christians. You don’t need to concern yourself with their perception of God, but rather, steep yourself in the truth about God as you know Him in the Bible. This is the ONLY God in whom you are to believe. God does not tolerate sin, and He grieves over it and over those who are abused by it. Has the God of the Bible told others to toss you aside and not take the time (or understanding) to love you? I think not. Has the God of the Bible told you to cow-tow to the self-righteous? I think not. He hates self-righteousness and Pharasaical attitudes. Has the God of the Bible told you to simply to forgive them and move on? I think not. Read Luke 17:3. Have these people repented? Has the God of the Bible told these people to leave you stranded and wounded from the years AND YEARS of heartache you have endured? I think not. God’s love is exhautless, and we are to love in the same ways in which He does. If I may be so bold, perhaps you are not so much questioning your faith as questioning those who claim to have it and to be living it. Perhaps it is not so much that your faith is shot as that you have been shot down by believers who should have known better, and who are poor representatives for our Lord Jesus Christ. I’m glad that you are not posturing and pretending to be a super-spiritual giant. Frankly, I see a lot of grace pouring forth through your transparency, grace that reaches out to those who are afraid to be honest about their disilluionment with other Christians, grace that is willing to take a bold risk rather than to hide behind a mask of pretense. The thing is, Rebekah, grace is written all over this post….grace that that stands even when we think we are falling. Grace that welcomes transparency and open wrestling. Grace that is so deep and high and wide that you cannot ever possibly escape its grasp. The Church needs to be a place where we can express doubt, discouragement, defeat, and despair. If we can’t do that, then God’s grace is not big enough to receive it, and that isn’t true. And sadly, so many people cannot express these things “in church.” So, in His fathomless grace, God has given you a place to do it, without censure, on your blog, where He welcomes your wrestling, and gives you grace to endure, and faith to believe, even when you don’t think you do.
I love you, and will be praying!!!!!
Love
Lynn
Lynn,
Thank you for all of this. I guess my biggest question is this: how do you give grace to someone whose perception of grace means me being a doormat? As long as I take the abusive behavior, everything is fine. The minute I stand up for myself and stop accepting it, I’m mocked for not showing the grace I claim. Is the answer found in walking away? Is that grace? Because that’s where I am. I suppose I could continue to turn the other cheek and pretend like it doesn’t hurt, but I’ve done that my entire life. Nothing ever changes. How do I reconcile faith in God and being a recipient/extender of grace with walking away from those who show no intention of stopping their abusive behavior? I’m emotionally drained and exhausted, and quite honestly, it’s easier to say “I give up on God and faith and grace” than to continue to believe He’s going to work it all for good.
Thank you for taking no offense by what I meant as a (if long-winded) loving response! You are such a precious friend to me. I thonk nowhere in Scripture are you commanded to be a doormat and to take abuse. And yes, I think God gives you grace to walk away from that without needing to feel guilty. You don’t give up on God, but from a place of grace, you give these people into His hands for Him to deal with them as He sees fit. There is a mistaken notion, I believe, that we are to just give abusers carte-blanche forgiveness and pretend that nothing has happened or that they have a right to continue absusive, sinful, non-Scriptural behavior. I reference the verse I mentioned to you earlier, that so many in Christendom ignore. Here is the passage from Luke 17, with Jesus speaking: “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” This doesn’t sound like doormat acquiescence to me. Jesus told them to rebuke those who sinned against them and to forgive them *if* they repented. The operative word is “If.” God doesn’t forgive sinners carte-blanche who never repent. We are not obligated to forgive those who don’t repent. Nor would this give us a license to hate them or to allow a root of bitterness to flourish against them. We must pray for others who sin against us. We must not hate them. But nowhere, do I think that Jesus is saying to be a doormat and allow others to use “grace” as a license to sin against us. So in grace, rather than beat yourself against a brick wall of resistance or try to beat others into submission, to make them stop sinning against you, Rebekah, I believe God is giving you the grace to walk away…..not out of hatred or in a mean-spirited way, but in realizing that you have done all you can to try to be reconciled with them and in realizing they are refusing reconciliation. This is not giving up on God and faith and grace. As a Christian, it’s impossible, really, for you to do that anyway. You belong to Him,and He will not let you go. Ask His grace to find a church where you wlll be loved and accepted and where you can flourish. I do believe it’s the Lord’s will for us to meet regularly with the Body of Christ. You just don’t have to stay with that particular group in the Body.
Praying! You have so much to give, and God has a special place where you can do that.
Love
Lynn
Wow, Rebekah………after all I have written, Ellen’s simple yet profound sentence stands in stark contrast. I will see that I am grateful and grace-filled to be able to count you a sweet friend!
Love
Lynn
And I’m thankful to call you “friend.”
Thank you so much!
be patient with yourself. sometimes we are our own ‘critic’ and our own ‘jury’ as if we are on the witness stand.
Thank you, Sharon. I’m definitely my own worst critic.
My heart goes out to you Rebekah. I’ve been in that place, but the people who judge and condemn are the ones lacking in grace, not you and certainly not God. He loves unconditionally.
Thank you for the encouragement, Mandy.