2014 was the year of the good, the bad and the ugly for me. There were a few months of musical ecstasy before it all blew up in my face. My One Word turned out to be a dud. Some personal relationships went from bad to worse. And my writing transitioned from raw and real to dark and ugly.
Overall, this year has been one of many learning experiences at best. I’m contemplating what happens next and how to find my writing groove again.
As I looked back over my top-five posts, I found it quite interesting that three out of five of them were related to my church experiences. I find that ironic because I have to qualify myself as unchurched during 2014. At least I now know what I’m looking for in a church and what kind of churches I should run from.
More than anything, I appreciate those of you who stuck with me this year. I lost a lot of readers due to my “dark and ugly” side of writing. I am well aware of how easy it would be click right past this little space when it’s less than cheery and bright. So…a huge THANK YOU for continuing to read! And thank you for making the following five posts the top five of the year.
5. Happy Place
“Happy Place” was born out of my questioning, frustrations with, and breaking away from religion. It’s about this spiritual journey of awakening I’m traveling.
4. Let’s Talk About Church Attendance
There was also a problem with the fact that I openly critiqued things that occurred in my church, as well as the institutional church at large, I didn’t believe aligned with the New Covenant gospel of grace. I was an active member told to silence my public, opinionated voice. (Obviously, I didn’t comply.)
I don’t want grace with conditions. I don’t want to spend Easter listening to a proclamation of grace that’s watered down with subtle rules and behavior modifications. I want to know that Jesus lives for and loves the worst of us ~ the ones who can’t lift their heads because the weight of guilt is too great, the ones who bear the burdens of failure, the ones who suffer in silent shame, the ones whom the religious people stone and discard. I want to know there’s room at the Table, and we are all invited with our questions and doubts and fears and wonderings and wanderings.
I realized I’m just not ready to go back to church. In fact, I’d say yesterday was a pretty significant setback for me. And the setback has much less to do with that church or that service, and much more to do with all the negative experiences I’ve had with church.
1. From A Christian Who Drinks Alcohol
I was bound by rules and guilt and the fear that I might cause some non-Christian to spend eternity in hell if they saw me with alcohol. I couldn’t be a stumbling block…to anybody in the world. I was also bound by the fear that some other Christian might think me less than righteous if they even spotted me on the alcohol aisle at the grocery store.
That’s a wrap, folks. See you back here next year!
Actually, Rebekah, dark and ugly *is* raw and real. When you are real, or honest, then you will express wahtever is on your heart. This remains one of the things I love most about you. Of course, I have called it edgy, but it’s all the same. The only thing is that I wish you had not experienced such difficult days. I love you and would have tried to spare you that. But God loves you more, and He has some purpose in it–some good purpose in it. I say this not glibly, and fully aware that I hate hearing things like that when people spout them to me, because they sound like empty platitudes. But in the end, I know they are true. So in all of this, it’s my prayer that the Lord is more real in your life than before, and you will know his love in a deeper, greater, real-er way than before. Please keep singing. We need to hear you. Please keep writing. We need to read what you have to say. I pray that God will fulfill His dreams to you in 2015 and far beyond.
Love
Lynn
Oh, Lynn, I have prayed over and over that He would be “more real” in my life. If anything, He seems less real…to the point that I often have great doubt that He even exists.